A Good and Resourceful State

Now remember I mentioned being in a good, and useful, and resourceful state?

Well would you like to have one of those that you can call up any time, any place, anywhere?

Here’s how

1) Stand up and think back to a time when you were very confident, when you achieved something really good. Relive that moment, seeing what you see, hearing what you hear and feeling what you feel.

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for breakfast (or should you have had)?

2) Relive that moment, see what you see (or what you are seeing), with any colours, any pictures, any scenery, any people and anything that was around, only you can know what this was. hear what you hear (or what you are hearing), any sounds that are particularly important to you at this time, anything you said to yourself or someone else said to you, as appropriate for this “wow” experience. And then finally feel what you feel at that time where are the feelings, in your body, all around you

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for lunch (or should you have had)?

3) Go back and experience all of that again and then turn it all up, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, as if you have a remote control or a dial or a slide bar on a computer screen – turn it all up as far as is still comfortable.

Briefly think about something else, like your phone number backwards

4) As you feel the confidence building up inside you, imagine a circle on the floor just in front of you and colour this in with whatever colour you like.
Does it need to have a sound as well that indicates how powerful it is (only you can hear the sound)? Step into that circle taking all the sights, sounds and feelings with you.
When that feeling of confidence is at its fullest, step out of that circle, leaving those confident feelings inside the circle.

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for breakfast (or should you have had)?

5) Now think of a time in your future when you want to have that same feeling of confidence. See and hear what will be there just before you want to feel confident. This could be the door of a meeting room, answering the phone etc.

6) As soon as these cues are clear in your mind, step back into the circle and feel those confident feelings. Imagine that situation unfolding around you in the future with these confident feelings fully available to you.

Now step out of the circle again, leaving the confident feelings in the circle. Whilst outside -take a moment to think of that event in the future. Those confident feelings will come to you automatically. You’ve already reprogrammed yourself for that future event. You’re feeling better about it and it hasn’t even happened. When it does you will naturally respond more confidently.

If you find that difficult – some tips

If the difficulty is in finding a really wow moment, can you think of someone you know and admire who is really confident? They could be a real person, or TV, or film character (if you have any children you might use this circle for confidence and use Harry Potter, Tracy Beaker or whoever else is their idol) and create what that character will be seeing, hearing and feeling in the same way.

If stepping into the circle is an issue, then once you’ve got that supreme state see a colour in front of you and touch the seam on your trousers or skirt just as you get to the peak time and know that you can do that any time you want to get this state of confidence back again. Or other things you can do are imagine you are stepping through a doorway or arch, switching spotlights on.

It works, you have to practise though and you can do this in the privacy of your own home, and practise often, only “perfect practice makes perfect” you know.

I’ve done this now for years and I have a “one size fits all” circle that I use for many occasions, usually when meeting people in business situations or presenting and sometimes when meeting people in social situations especially if I would rather be somewhere else. But you can have a circle for each different occasion if you want, you can chain circles together (might be useful to get you to the door of this place you want to meet Mr or Miss Right). No one else needs to know.

If the visualising, the seeing bit seems to be a little difficult then see yourself on a screen, put yourself in your favourite film (it might need a little practice, but it’s worth it).

Okay so now you know how to create a good and useful state, you have confidence to get you to somewhere, and you can be cool, calm and collected. If you need some tips on how to be cool, calm and collected - just imagine you can be cool, calm and collected and practise this, think cool thoughts, a drink with ice in it, mountain stream, an open window with a cool breeze, whatever means cool to you will work, keep on seeing it, hearing it and feeling, either all three or whatever works best for you, it can take from 30 to 90 times to “reprogram” your thinking and behaviour in this way and when it is reprogramed just think of the rewards you will get.

Imagine now what it will be like when you meet this person you are going to have a relationship with, you may be fairly clear about what they will look like, how tall/short they will be, what colour hair, eyes, what kind of build.

You may not be clear – I don’t have a “type” – my first husband (biography at the end of this book if you want to rush back there and find out why she has had all these men and can she really keep them!) – was 5ft 4ins and dark blonde hair, blue eyes, medium build, my second husband 5ft 8ins, jet black hair, wore glasses, brown eyes, slim build. My partner Jim is 6ft, balding grey/black hair (I forgot to put hair on my wish list ), blue eyes, broad shoulders slim waist (well maybe not since he met me), slim legs and a paunch (age, good food and drink), wears the kilt.

Or, like me, what this partner looks like may not be an issue as the other things may be more important, but be clear, very, very clear. What will you see when you meet this person or when they are around? What will you hear? What will you feel?

For me I knew I would see bright colours, lots of people, I would hear laughter and music, the sound of voices and feel warmth.


If you want to, you could create a Vision Board, take pictures out of magazines, or photos you have, and cut out the pieces you want and create a vision, or a collage of what life will be like with this person, notice the colours, will there be music, do you want to add pieces of fabric or flowers, how do you want to embellish it? Avoid concentrating on one particular person – just because you cut out pictures of your favourite pop star, film idol, sportsperson - does not mean you will get to be with that person and worst case scenario you might be accused of having a fetish or stalking someone!

Keep this Vision Board somewhere where you can look at it on a daily basis, add to it, make a new one, if you do keep the old one, put it away and look at it some years later, to check what has actually happened in your life.


Before you go off to search around, or go to a meeting, or a prospective meeting do you need to do some work on stuff in the past that gets in the way sometimes?

Being clear, very very clear

So with a little help from some friends I set up a list of criteria that I wanted and you can find that list in the actual book click here to buy online, and I have what I wanted and a little more actually;). And by the way the book is good if you want to think about the relationship you are already in. not just about something new.

Anyway more about you -

Now you can have a list saying whatever you wish for, I have a friend for whom it was very important that the guy (she has now married) had a full head of hair, I thought she was being a bit picky, but now I don’t think so, she just knew what she wanted. And for her, her list included he had to like dogs and a few other things.
So list at least 20 things that would be important to you in a partner, you might be vegetarian, you might have certain religious or political views, and you might want to make sure your partner has the same ones (saves wars at home), you might want children, to travel the world, you hate cheese – anything you want in a partner list it - remember people don’t change. They might tell you something you want to hear, “yes I’d love to go to Germany with you” was one I often used to hear, but in reality they’d rather go to Majorca, “yes I’ll look after the house whilst you are out at work” (and sell your CDs whilst you’re out, or invite a few friends round for a boozy afternoon).


When you’ve listed these things, take a look at them one by one and ask yourself so what would it be like if I met someone who didn’t have their own house (they might not have to own it, but check also are they on the verge of declaring themselves bankrupt, have they actually got any money, are they looking for someone else to move in with?

A good friend of mine once met a man, who told her he owed a great deal of money, and had defaulted on his mortgage, and many other things. And he also told her, he would be happy to move in with her and run the house whilst she worked. Well he did move in, but he also expected her to earn the money, and that he could sit outside in his shed, and play darts and smoke, and she could work and paid all the bills. She hadn’t really paid attention to what she really wanted (they also had absolutely nothing in common) – but reality was she wanted to feel wanted (not in the way he wanted her) and he wanted a roof over his head and a way of surviving without having to be accountable for it. Sad but true. She did get out of the relationship and started to pay better attention.



So check does this future partner really like to travel say, have they been abroad or wherever it is you like to go? Or are they just saying they might like to and don’t really know and if they do go abroad, do they want adventure or do they want to have their fish and chips or very British tea abroad? What do you want when you go abroad?

It’s quite a good idea not to live in one another’s pockets, and not to have that expectation that the other person wants you there all the time, or that you need to be with them all the time. So some of the things on your list, how important are they in respect of your future partner? Do you want someone who shares the same interests as you? For me I wasn’t particularly interested in someone having the same professional interests as me, as I didn’t want competitiveness or one-upmanship, I’m not interested in these games of “mine’s bigger than yours” . Also I’m used to the fact that not everyone speaks or reads fluent German and I don’t necessarily need that as a permanent part of my life, it has been in the past and it’s not that important to me as an everyday feature, I can read in German, watch DVDs and go to Germany with my partner to visit friends and relatives over there.

Check out what you want in a partner so for example - if you want a non-smoker and you have smoked in the past, compromising to be with smoker could mean a) you might start smoking again or b) you could be one of these dogmatic reformed smokers who makes their partner’s life hell. Neither of which is very good, I think you’ll agree. And if you’ve never smoked, the smoking could be an equal problem. Because no matter how much someone says they will give up something for you – it’s a) very difficult for them and b) very stressful for both of you if you then start to use phrases like “you promised me”, or “the fact that you don’t give up means you can’t possibly love me” – those are good ways to break a relationship. And please note even if you are good at “willpower” not everyone is, in fact most of us aren’t and our reasons for the patterns or habits we run, or have very deep seated and enforced changing of them for someone else is really hard.

On the other hand shared interests are very important for some relationships and are part of the “glue” that keeps things together and sometimes a good basis to start, but more on that later.

We are what we believe

If you believe you are no good at meeting people, then he result is that your belief that you are no good at meeting people is reinforced. What happens is we behave in a way that meets up with our beliefs, and prove to ourselves we were right to have that belief in the first place.

If for example you believe that people will react unfavourably towards you, then you will give off unconscious signals to this effect and the response you will get will reaffirm this.

If you believe you are bad at sports, cooking, driving, writing letters (I met someone who thought because he “couldn’t write a letter the right way first time, he was useless at writing letters” (it’s always useful to check your letters for errors, typos, wrong information and perhaps leave it overnight)), you will look for examples to confirm this and dismiss any examples that prove the contrary.

Some people’s beliefs are so strong and become such a habit that other people get carried along with this. I once had a lodger who believed other people always acted unfairly towards her, and shouted at her and then ended up in a situation where I started to behave like this and shouted at her! All over a plastic bag.

Our brains recode every single event of our lives; this has been well documented since the 1950s. This includes verbal messages we hear around us even when we are not actively paying attention and they go straight to the unconscious mind. The same applies to those things we constantly repeat to ourselves – “You stupid fool”, “I know I’ll mess it up.”

Messages are given to us (and we give them to others - our children, our work colleagues, our partners) as a form of hypnosis, and if we or they hear them often enough they become true.

Eeek!

So when I was on my own and believed that guys weren’t interested in me, because I was independent (and I still am) and could look after myself perfectly well, I didn’t need a man, certainly not one who wanted to sponge off me and laze around all day watching TV, smoking cigarettes, was work-shy, no good at odd jobs, didn’t have his own car, didn’t like my friends, was jealous of the fact that I have friends (in some very odd places) – a man once asked me if I had any normal friends? I had to check out his criteria for normal – it was they liked a drink, well lots of drinks, they liked to get off their faces on drink and smoke a lot and be generally miserable and have “real jobs” (I have a friend who is a crane driver, but many of them are musicians (one of them is a carpenter as well), trainers, lawyers, a professor, store detective (not sure what was “real” according to that particular man).

Well guess what I got in my life? Ah yes and there’s another one, I didn’t want a man who was married, or in any kind of relationship (I value exclusivity). I got exactly what I was concentrating on, most of the time (well not always exactly, but fulfilling most of the above things I was thinking I didn’t want), because they were the things I actually concentrated on.

On my own - what do I do?

I spent a large part of my life in some interesting relationships, not necessarily useful for me and perhaps not for the other person, but interesting. Do you know why? Because I spent a large part of my life concentrating on what I didn’t want - and that’s exactly what I got! Several times.

And whilst writing some emails to my friend Jaclyn who now lives abroad, and telling her about what I have discovered in my life, she asked? “Why don’t you write a book about how you got this great relationship you have now? After all you’ve got something worth more than any money can buy and you can share with other people how to do it too!

So, here it is, a transcript of the emails I sent and she asked some questions, but I wrote it as a book. It also gives you some tried and tested tips on how to get what you want, what you really, really want, perhaps I’ll tell you about some of things I did that didn’t work out and how – with hindsight, I could have done things differently.
Let’s perhaps first cover some things that you might think get in the way, or that might be getting in your way and you might think they’re not really getting in the way. Well just a bit, maybe?

You’ve not got the best figure? (This covers by the way too short, too tall, too fat etc.)
You’re too old?
You haven’t got ……………………………..?
You have children.
You have grandchildren.
You have a ………………..(insert pet)
You have a ……………………… or are ……………………

We could go on…………….

However, beware;
If you have bad breath, a liking for drink, spicy foods, fetishes, horror movies and other things that other people might find a problem - you just might either need to find someone who likes exactly the same things or take other action first J

Important is - you are happy with yourself, so you have good self esteem, well most of the time, we might aspire to be perfect – perfect figure, perfect at cooking, making love, playing football, or whatever or we might not, but it’s really useful if most of the time we can be happy with ourselves.

So my story is, latterly widowed mum of 2 grown up children, granny to 2 beautiful boys (hey they’re my grandsons ), like reading, like films, like jazz, like to cook and reckon I can do it pretty well, like to swim, like to make things (when I find the time), I speak a second language fluently, ride a motorbike occasionally, I know lots about losing weight, I know lots of things (not often useful to most people ) and most important I think, is that I like people and what makes them tick. Downsides, opinionated, I will say what I think (doh), and sometimes I’m starting to sound like my mother. According to some people I can’t sing, according to others I can, according to some people I might be all sorts of things. But that’s life.

Now I know I’m good at my job, in part because I get personal satisfaction from what I do, and I see other people benefiting from what I do and I hear what they say, and I get really good feelings when I read some of things people write about me and my work (not always – I’m human you know). I also know I’m good at my job because other people tell me, sometimes it’s the clients I work with, sometimes it’s my peers and assistants, sometimes someone tells me they’ve heard something good about me, and how what I did with them worked for them and sometimes it took them a while for that to work for them.

In that last paragraph I wrote about the fact that sometimes I know myself that something has been good –
Do you know yourself that something went well, or do you need someone or other people to tell you that something went well or show you in some way?
There’s no right or wrong but it is useful to know and check. If you’re always telling yourself you’re good at something, you might be wrong sometimes and also other people might regard you as being “full of yourself”, or “not interested in other people” or something else, so might it be useful to notice other people and ask their opinion. You know, ask a mate, phone a friend, or ask the audience. And hell that’s really useful if you want a relationship, to notice what other people’s opinions of you are, as we might need to see things from our new or prospective partner’s point of view, or hear what they are saying, and notice that they have feelings too!

and there'll be more;)