Being clear, very very clear

So with a little help from some friends I set up a list of criteria that I wanted and you can find that list in the actual book click here to buy online, and I have what I wanted and a little more actually;). And by the way the book is good if you want to think about the relationship you are already in. not just about something new.

Anyway more about you -

Now you can have a list saying whatever you wish for, I have a friend for whom it was very important that the guy (she has now married) had a full head of hair, I thought she was being a bit picky, but now I don’t think so, she just knew what she wanted. And for her, her list included he had to like dogs and a few other things.
So list at least 20 things that would be important to you in a partner, you might be vegetarian, you might have certain religious or political views, and you might want to make sure your partner has the same ones (saves wars at home), you might want children, to travel the world, you hate cheese – anything you want in a partner list it - remember people don’t change. They might tell you something you want to hear, “yes I’d love to go to Germany with you” was one I often used to hear, but in reality they’d rather go to Majorca, “yes I’ll look after the house whilst you are out at work” (and sell your CDs whilst you’re out, or invite a few friends round for a boozy afternoon).


When you’ve listed these things, take a look at them one by one and ask yourself so what would it be like if I met someone who didn’t have their own house (they might not have to own it, but check also are they on the verge of declaring themselves bankrupt, have they actually got any money, are they looking for someone else to move in with?

A good friend of mine once met a man, who told her he owed a great deal of money, and had defaulted on his mortgage, and many other things. And he also told her, he would be happy to move in with her and run the house whilst she worked. Well he did move in, but he also expected her to earn the money, and that he could sit outside in his shed, and play darts and smoke, and she could work and paid all the bills. She hadn’t really paid attention to what she really wanted (they also had absolutely nothing in common) – but reality was she wanted to feel wanted (not in the way he wanted her) and he wanted a roof over his head and a way of surviving without having to be accountable for it. Sad but true. She did get out of the relationship and started to pay better attention.



So check does this future partner really like to travel say, have they been abroad or wherever it is you like to go? Or are they just saying they might like to and don’t really know and if they do go abroad, do they want adventure or do they want to have their fish and chips or very British tea abroad? What do you want when you go abroad?

It’s quite a good idea not to live in one another’s pockets, and not to have that expectation that the other person wants you there all the time, or that you need to be with them all the time. So some of the things on your list, how important are they in respect of your future partner? Do you want someone who shares the same interests as you? For me I wasn’t particularly interested in someone having the same professional interests as me, as I didn’t want competitiveness or one-upmanship, I’m not interested in these games of “mine’s bigger than yours” . Also I’m used to the fact that not everyone speaks or reads fluent German and I don’t necessarily need that as a permanent part of my life, it has been in the past and it’s not that important to me as an everyday feature, I can read in German, watch DVDs and go to Germany with my partner to visit friends and relatives over there.

Check out what you want in a partner so for example - if you want a non-smoker and you have smoked in the past, compromising to be with smoker could mean a) you might start smoking again or b) you could be one of these dogmatic reformed smokers who makes their partner’s life hell. Neither of which is very good, I think you’ll agree. And if you’ve never smoked, the smoking could be an equal problem. Because no matter how much someone says they will give up something for you – it’s a) very difficult for them and b) very stressful for both of you if you then start to use phrases like “you promised me”, or “the fact that you don’t give up means you can’t possibly love me” – those are good ways to break a relationship. And please note even if you are good at “willpower” not everyone is, in fact most of us aren’t and our reasons for the patterns or habits we run, or have very deep seated and enforced changing of them for someone else is really hard.

On the other hand shared interests are very important for some relationships and are part of the “glue” that keeps things together and sometimes a good basis to start, but more on that later.