Is there something you would like really to do that you can’t do, yet? In terms of relationships we often refuse to believe that something will happen, we tell ourselves its impossible, it doesn’t happen to me, I don’t deserve that. And guess what? It doesn’t happen, it is impossible, and we don’t get it, because that’s what we tell ourselves and it becomes reality.
So if we want something different, it’s useful to practise. Otherwise how will we actually know when that special thing we want in a relationship comes along? We might blink and miss it. Or miss it and our partner or that possible significant other goes away, or passes by or just doesn’t do that thing again, because we were too busy ‘looking the other way’ – the negative way.
Acting “As if” as a frame is a way of rehearsing something that you want to happen in the future or you want to attract into your life. In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) this is called expanding our map (Map of the World) by doing this in our mind it expands the choices available to us. By doing this we condition our brain to feel and learn new possibilities.
How would you like to think, feel, speak, behave, relate etc.? What would you like to experience for the first time or experience more fully? Think about this experience and see what you will see, hear what you will hear and feel how you will feel, how vivid and real does it seem?
When you have all of this in your mind, step into this either in your mind’s eye or step into a space on the floor. Can you give yourself permission to use your powers of mind and emotion to pretend?
If you cannot give yourself permission -Has pretending been forbidden in your life, tabooed, or attached to psychological pain (for example "Pretending is for children", "Why don't you grow up and stop being unrealistic?", "Pretending is just faking")? Do you need to give yourself permission a few more times so you can try some new patterning and responses? Is it OK to feel “weird”, strange, uncomfortable, and out of your comfort zone? Do you also have permission to play?
When you have all of this, design an “As-if” frame and step into it fully, either in your mind’s eye, or literally. Construct a mental movie for the experience.
Pretend now that you are stepping into that experience. What are you hearing, feeling and saying to yourself? How are you experiencing all of that in your body? What would someone else see as they look at you?
Check this out - from inside the experience, how does it feel? Will it be useful? Will you be able to respond better as a person? Is this empowering for you in what you want? Does it open up new possibilities?
Now step out of the experience, and check that the experience is right for you with these questions -
Will this affect your other relationships (family, friends, work colleagues etc.)
Will this affect your health?
Will this affect your sanity etc.?
Now think about this new way of thinking, feeling, acting etc. and move forwards with it into your future and go forward one year .... how does that feel? ………… five years how does that feel? Do you like that?
Do you like the possible benefits and consequences of this experience?
How many more times will you need to give yourself permission to keep experimenting with it, stepping into it, and practising all of this until you forget that you are pretending as it becomes your habitual style of responding?
So keep on with this opening yourself up to possibilities and one day as long as you keep on believing, you will avoid the problems of the past, keep away from those troublesome relationships and attract what you really want and deserve into your life!
The 2nd edition of Finding the Relationship you Deserve is out now - buy from NLP Highland or your local bookstore.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Getting Out There
What do you want, in respect of this relationship?
Remember to be positive, concentrate on what you want.
Are you willing to start this and are you able to take control of the situation?
Where do you want to have this relationship?
I mean here check out would you be willing to move, town, country (I met a young woman who gave up her relationship [with the father of her child] because she missed her mum and dad and her friends when her partner’s job moved him and her to the south of England from Scotland).
Is there anywhere where you wouldn’t want to have this relationship? Same applies here; will you be okay living in a Yurt?
What will you see when you have this relationship? (Repeating yourself is good it adds to the practice).
What will you hear when you have this relationship?
What will you feel when you have this relationship?
How will you know when you have this relationship?
Is it appropriate for you to have a relationship right now? Are you in a good place with yourself? If you have children, what are you going to do about them? You do need time for you, but you also need time to get to know the other person and it’s best for the children that you sort your relationship out first before introducing your new partner to the children, too many people going in and out of children’s lives is sometimes not useful for the children.
So will it look right, sound right and feel right. If it’s not the right time at the moment, then can you set a mini outcome so that you will know what to do to as a stepping stone on the way to this relationship?
What do you get out of what you do right now?
Will you need to change what you are doing?
What will you lose? When someone else is around we lose some of things we used to take for granted (someone else in the bathroom, we might have to give some things up). Are you willing and able to compromise? Can you make compromises and negotiate for the other person to do to compromise and negotiate if necessary? Give and take is good, some of the time.
How will this relationship affect other aspects of your life?
Who and what else will it affect? Will you become so immersed in this relationship that you neglect others, drop your other friendships?
It’s a good idea to keep up the things you used to do and to keep your friends and family, because you never know what might happen.
Are there any conditions under which you wouldn’t want to go ahead with your partner search or a relationship when you’ve got it? You can be better off on your own than in a bad relationship.
What stops you having from having this desired relationship?
Check you have all the skills you need, you’ve sorted out the past, you’ve got a good and resourceful state, you’ve decided on some places to go to get to know people, oh yes and you’ve started standing up straight and smiling at people. Did I mention that? This standing up to any people. When you look good and get a good response from other people, hey presto, people will like to be around you, unless they prefer to be miserable.
Do you need anything else to start on this search?
What do you need to believe to have this relationship? Do you need to work on changing your beliefs? There’s a little more on that later.
What will having this relationship say about you? Will other people notice? Is it important that other people notice?
What will you say about you? Tell yourself that you can do it? You knew all along it was possible.
So when will you start?
And what will your first step be? (As in what will you do first?)
Remember to be positive, concentrate on what you want.
Are you willing to start this and are you able to take control of the situation?
Where do you want to have this relationship?
I mean here check out would you be willing to move, town, country (I met a young woman who gave up her relationship [with the father of her child] because she missed her mum and dad and her friends when her partner’s job moved him and her to the south of England from Scotland).
Is there anywhere where you wouldn’t want to have this relationship? Same applies here; will you be okay living in a Yurt?
What will you see when you have this relationship? (Repeating yourself is good it adds to the practice).
What will you hear when you have this relationship?
What will you feel when you have this relationship?
How will you know when you have this relationship?
Is it appropriate for you to have a relationship right now? Are you in a good place with yourself? If you have children, what are you going to do about them? You do need time for you, but you also need time to get to know the other person and it’s best for the children that you sort your relationship out first before introducing your new partner to the children, too many people going in and out of children’s lives is sometimes not useful for the children.
So will it look right, sound right and feel right. If it’s not the right time at the moment, then can you set a mini outcome so that you will know what to do to as a stepping stone on the way to this relationship?
What do you get out of what you do right now?
Will you need to change what you are doing?
What will you lose? When someone else is around we lose some of things we used to take for granted (someone else in the bathroom, we might have to give some things up). Are you willing and able to compromise? Can you make compromises and negotiate for the other person to do to compromise and negotiate if necessary? Give and take is good, some of the time.
How will this relationship affect other aspects of your life?
Who and what else will it affect? Will you become so immersed in this relationship that you neglect others, drop your other friendships?
It’s a good idea to keep up the things you used to do and to keep your friends and family, because you never know what might happen.
Are there any conditions under which you wouldn’t want to go ahead with your partner search or a relationship when you’ve got it? You can be better off on your own than in a bad relationship.
What stops you having from having this desired relationship?
Check you have all the skills you need, you’ve sorted out the past, you’ve got a good and resourceful state, you’ve decided on some places to go to get to know people, oh yes and you’ve started standing up straight and smiling at people. Did I mention that? This standing up to any people. When you look good and get a good response from other people, hey presto, people will like to be around you, unless they prefer to be miserable.
Do you need anything else to start on this search?
What do you need to believe to have this relationship? Do you need to work on changing your beliefs? There’s a little more on that later.
What will having this relationship say about you? Will other people notice? Is it important that other people notice?
What will you say about you? Tell yourself that you can do it? You knew all along it was possible.
So when will you start?
And what will your first step be? (As in what will you do first?)
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Where Can I Meet Someone?
Some people are lucky and after lots of searching they find the right person through a dating agency, online, at speed dating at a singles club. Others don’t.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was from Claire Rayner at the time she was on Wogan’s TV show and it was around Valentine’s Day and I guess it was 1991. She was interviewed along with some other people and her suggestion for finding love was: “Join a club where people do something you like.” Her reasoning was “even if you don’t find love, you’ll meet other people with whom you have a common interest, enjoy the shared interest and make friends”. Well I tried that out and I can tell you she was right (and I also found love – you can go to the end of this book if you like to find out more about this or read on here).
You know you might sit at home and say I never meet anybody new, interesting or whoever you think you never meet. Mmm does the fact that you are sitting at home give you a clue as to why you aren’t meeting anyone, yet? There are plenty of places and events around for you to meet people.
What stops you from going?
Is it easier for you to work and use work as an excuse?
What would you like to learn that you can’t do yet?
What did you enjoy when you were younger?
What skill have you got you can share with others? Join a volunteer group. (Remember if it’s full of older people don’t write it off. Some of the oldies but goodies have families; there might be a single person in their family. Remember if you are older, that’s all you are, older, but not dead yet and you have a right to a relationship too).
Let people know what you are looking for, ok not with a sign on your forehead, or by lusting over single (or not) people of the type you are you’re looking for, but slip in your conversation that you are single, “yes I can be there, I can do that, I’m single at the moment [in this “pass the salt please” tone]” that way you’re letting people know you can be there and are happy to be there, and also by the way I’m single at the moment. It allows them know you are perhaps you are open to a relationship. And beware – saying “I’m not interested” can also do lead some people to believe they need to help you! (the brain has problems processing a negative at times). The same pass the salt tone will do if you receive any unwelcome advances, such as from a person of a sex you are not interested in, whether that be same sex or opposite sex, simply say “oh thanks, I’m really flattered but you’re not my type”.
So now you’ve stopped sitting at home and you’re out and about and guys, please note if you want to meet girls it might be an idea to do something different to standard guy things (girls too, but girls are more likely to know people who are free and looking and to talk about that fact, guys not necessarily). There is a shortage of guys at most things, so there must be a surplus of women, and at least you get to learn something new, and something new about women if you listen to what they have to say to one another and to you, and you might not meet someone there, but someone there might have a friend. It’s all about knowing a man or a woman who knows a man or a woman who………..
So like Claire Rayner said, you’ll meet new friends and learn something new.
And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was from Claire Rayner at the time she was on Wogan’s TV show and it was around Valentine’s Day and I guess it was 1991. She was interviewed along with some other people and her suggestion for finding love was: “Join a club where people do something you like.” Her reasoning was “even if you don’t find love, you’ll meet other people with whom you have a common interest, enjoy the shared interest and make friends”. Well I tried that out and I can tell you she was right (and I also found love – you can go to the end of this book if you like to find out more about this or read on here).
You know you might sit at home and say I never meet anybody new, interesting or whoever you think you never meet. Mmm does the fact that you are sitting at home give you a clue as to why you aren’t meeting anyone, yet? There are plenty of places and events around for you to meet people.
What stops you from going?
Is it easier for you to work and use work as an excuse?
What would you like to learn that you can’t do yet?
What did you enjoy when you were younger?
What skill have you got you can share with others? Join a volunteer group. (Remember if it’s full of older people don’t write it off. Some of the oldies but goodies have families; there might be a single person in their family. Remember if you are older, that’s all you are, older, but not dead yet and you have a right to a relationship too).
Let people know what you are looking for, ok not with a sign on your forehead, or by lusting over single (or not) people of the type you are you’re looking for, but slip in your conversation that you are single, “yes I can be there, I can do that, I’m single at the moment [in this “pass the salt please” tone]” that way you’re letting people know you can be there and are happy to be there, and also by the way I’m single at the moment. It allows them know you are perhaps you are open to a relationship. And beware – saying “I’m not interested” can also do lead some people to believe they need to help you! (the brain has problems processing a negative at times). The same pass the salt tone will do if you receive any unwelcome advances, such as from a person of a sex you are not interested in, whether that be same sex or opposite sex, simply say “oh thanks, I’m really flattered but you’re not my type”.
So now you’ve stopped sitting at home and you’re out and about and guys, please note if you want to meet girls it might be an idea to do something different to standard guy things (girls too, but girls are more likely to know people who are free and looking and to talk about that fact, guys not necessarily). There is a shortage of guys at most things, so there must be a surplus of women, and at least you get to learn something new, and something new about women if you listen to what they have to say to one another and to you, and you might not meet someone there, but someone there might have a friend. It’s all about knowing a man or a woman who knows a man or a woman who………..
So like Claire Rayner said, you’ll meet new friends and learn something new.
And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.
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