Whilst I was writing this, I had a learning moment or a few days actually, I decided I wanted to leave my relationship. _____ Keep on reading.
I had a crisis, well I thought I did. Part of it was down to the fact that I deleted some bits of information, and I distorted some others, and I generalised a bit and best of all (some sarcasm required here!) I repeated some or at least one pattern, or we might call that a habit.
The main details are not important here, what is important - goes in this order.
The next day I emailed a friend, a good friend, whom we had been out with 2 nights before, and I said to her – “I don’t think I’m qualified to write this book anymore, because I think I made a mistake and I want out of my relationship.” Linda, I’ve mentioned her before, wrote back, “well perhaps that’s something you need to include in the book anyway. It’s not just about how to find the relationship, it’s also important to keep it. So perhaps you could work on that.”
Mmm, interesting I thought. And I thought some more, and I went over what had happened the previous day. And I realised I was worried about something over which I had no control. You know those things, you can think of one or two. And then I realised there were a few things that I had got angry about (you know those kind of things – the kind of things the ones that “make you” react in a certain way, the things that people say that “make you” do things). Well did you also know that only you have control over you, only you can allow your buttons to be pushed; only you are driving your bus? The bottom line is you have the choice to decide how to react. Now so often in the past we have reacted in a way that has not been useful. We like life to be easy, so we react that way again and again and as in the case of the beliefs – it just happens and we get the same reaction from us and others as we have always had. So when your partner behaves “just like your ex”, or “just like everyone else”, or you “just knew this would happen”, or “all men or all women are the same”. Well basically it’s because what we expect to happen will happen, so when we “play safe” and “expect the worst” – then guess what? That’s just what we get. (Remember Beliefs!)
Think about it – if you smile others will smile, “laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”. If you snap at people, they will not like you.
So back to me. I realised, when I thought about it, that my relationship was at “that stage, for me, where I hit a bump”. So then what happens is, that something happens in my life and I go into the depths of despair and look for everything that is negative and bad (in my own world) and I delete all the good things, I distort a few things out of all proportion and I generalise a thing or two. Have you seen the film “The Holiday” - beautiful young woman wants to run out of a relationship - know that one? I thought that was a great film in respect of relationships and so are “Bridget Jones” Diary”, “Sleepless in Seattle” to name another two, you can think of more.
And I forget all the things that attracted me to my partner, and I forget the warmth and strength, oh yes and that he’s attracted to me, and I forget I have good friends and I forget I do good things with other people and I forget to have patience.
I also occasionally forget to use the stuff I’m good at, which includes listening and understanding and questioning what others mean when they talk to me. So in our relationship we both have our own understanding of what we mean by “relationship”. I would like to is get married (living happily ever after is not a given), and my partner’s idea of relationship is that we are good company, and fortunately that also means that grumpiness is allowed and it’s mainly me that’s grumpy (he’s a man of the world). He only really gets annoyed about being overcharged and bad driving (that’s another story – did you know we all have blind spots?).
So what I’m saying is it’s important we learn to understand the bits of conversation we all (and that’s a generalisation too) delete. Some questions for improving understanding:
“What is the most useful question I can ask, right now?”
“What don’t I know yet that could make the most difference?”
“What is the most useful way to think about this?”
“What wants to happen here, and which question is the key?”
“What question can I ask that will be most useful to the other person?”
Ask yourself these questions or one of these questions in your head. Spaces in conversations are fine and whilst you’re thinking - put aside any assumptions you might have about the other person’s face pulling, grimacing etc., and those thoughts you “just know what they are thinking” (there will be times when ”knowing what the other person is thinking is useful” – however when you have a heated discussion this kind of knowing or assuming is not useful, believe me).
Like some suggestions?
“What is the most useful question I can ask, right now?”Sometimes it’s about stopping thinking about me and instead thinking about the other person, you know they might have had a hard day at work, they might be feeling really bad because someone has scraped their car, or they might be tired. So questions like “how are you?”, “how was your day?”, “what can I do for you” – and then like the answer even if it is I’d like to be alone for a while (leaving someone alone saves arguments), or if they ask you to do something you don’t want to do at that point in time, negotiate it for later, would it be okay to do that later.
“What don’t I know yet that could make the most difference?”Well the answer to this could be one of the above questions. But it just might be for example if you have reacted badly to some other person in your partner’s life, that this other person is important (even if you don’t like them, can’t stand them – interfering is not good you could lose your relationship – the better part of valour is to say okay, and in a quiet voice I don’t like them, and let them go to wherever it is). [I do the Mickey Mouse thing here – see next chapter]. So it might be find our how much this person, this thing in the house, this ritual means to your partner and work out how you are going to cope with it.
“What is the most useful way to think about this?”I suppose I could use the last piece as an example - I put it on one side is one thing. I also remember that I can use it as an example if my partner objects to something I do (said of course in the “pass the salt tone”) “remember you do your paper delivery”. (He delivers a paper to a long-standing friend – don’t ask me why, but notice it’s a long-standing friend and that’s important to him). What does it mean to the other person? Are you big enough to accept it is good for them and it’s not detracting from who you are or what you do and most importantly from your relationship.
“What wants to happen here, and which question is the key?”Well what might it be useful to do, walk out the room? Calm down, come back, say you are sorry.
“What question can I ask that will be most useful to the other person?”
One of the best things I have ever said in my personal life - when I was really at my wits end and unable to put my best professional thinking head on, or be a “fly on the wall” and look at what was happening between us from a different perspective (with a lot of practice it can be done in a heated discussion) – I said “I really need you to help me, I need you to talk here – because I just don’t know what to do.” And the answer I got was so far removed from anything I could have expected, or “known”, or assumed, because it had absolutely nothing to do with me, and it explained my partner’s problems and gave us a basis to move forwards and things became even better for both of is, because we knew we could talk even more and do something. Instead of getting stuck in his reasoning, which we had been and that was according to him - we had a problem, because he had been on his own for a long time and was stuck in his ways.
Facts were, he wasn’t stuck, and he was using that as an excuse to stay in a comfort zone that is a pattern for not having to deal with something. And the other very real fact that came straight into my head when he said that was – excuse me I’ve “been on my own a lot longer than you”.
More next time.
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