You know please is an interesting word, in some languages it’s not needed, because it’s understood by the way you ask something that you are being polite. So you might ask would you do something for me, or would you like to do something, or may I have something, and in those even in the English language “please” is really implied. It’s just an extra word, which (in many languages) we don’t need to use, as we have the right tone and body posture, so that the person we are asking to do something knows we are being polite. In the English language we get hung up (sometimes) on the use of the word please. Other times we forget to use it at all, and there we have problems too.
Now why am I waffling about this? Well if the prospective partner in your relationship does not speak British English, then notice they may not use the word “please” as often as you might like, or you might have been trained, or programmed to believe is necessary by your parents, teachers, peers etc. to believe “please” should be acceptable. Notice how they look at you, what their body posture is like, what their voice tonality is like, do you need the word “please”, in order to continue?
Conversely overuse of the word “please” or phrases such as “pretty please” can make things sound a little over the top. Sometimes simply altering your tonality, looking at the person whilst you are speaking to them (eye contact is not always necessary – some people think better when they don’t look you directly in the face). Looking at people is often useful; especially if they have hearing problems and many people do find hearing clearly in situations where there is background noise, conversation or music difficult. Looking at them makes it easier for them to locate the fact that a) you are speaking and b) that you are speaking to them. And then asking the person “if they would” do something for us, or “might do”, is actually more effective and less obsequious, as long as you are congruent and definite (not aggressive).
Now “sorry”. Sorry is one of the easiest words to say in any language, what is difficult to do for a great many people, is actually to mean that they are sorry and to either act on what they have said or even to carry it out.
What does this mean for a relationship? Well it’s really constructive for a relationship to be very careful with your use of the word. I had a lodger once (I’ve had several lodgers over the years –it’s often good to have someone to take care of the house or help out in other ways) – this lodger was a young woman who had experienced some interesting things in her life. Anyway she believed “sorry” was an answer for everything, “sorry I’m going on holiday and I can’t pay you the rent for 2 weeks, cos I need it for spending money”, “sorry my boyfriend climbed up the drainpipe last night and it broke off”, and many, many other sorrys. The thing was many things then happened again and again.
Do you or does someone you know use “sorry” as a throwaway word and then just either carry on doing whatever it is “squeezing the toothpaste tube in the wrong way”, “eating your chocolate”, “reading your paper first/or folding it the wrong the way”, or worse, and then they keep on doing it again? Well we can’t change the way other people act, but we can change ourselves, so if you say “sorry” frequently, how about changing that into “oops” or whatever you might choose to say and explain what you’ve done wrong, actually putting your hands up to having done something wrong is a big thing, and believe me it’s actually much easier, as you don’t have to live with the guilt or the thoughts of “I wish I hadn’t done that” and you can also do something about making up for what you did, or doing something differently!
Thank you, remember to say thank you and sometimes it’s useful to show your gratitude, but if someone doesn’t “pay you back” – “buy you a coffee” because you bought them one – it doesn’t mean that they are ungrateful, it might mean they simply said “thank you” and they meant it. Also please bear in mind, most people do things for you just because they want to – it doesn’t mean you have to “spend the same amount of money”, “cook the same meal”, “buy them the same kind of present” – if you want to do something for them – remember you talents. What could you do for that other person? Wash their windows, dig their garden, take their dog for a walk, take some photos, give them a lift somewhere, wash their dishes for a week (yes please). And you can always write them out a “promise to ………………….”, tie that up in a red ribbon and give it to them.
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