“As long as he needs me,” On my own, how can I live without you?”, “What do I do to make you love me?”,– oh it’s those love songs again. It’s that time of year. It’s commercial exploitation – well they have to make a living, and you can only be exploited if you let that happen see Response-ability.
Anyway Valentine’s Day – hearts and flowers and by gum don’t those flowers get to be expensive?
Valentine was in fact a holy priest in Rome, together with St. Marius and his family, Valentine assisted the martyrs who were persecuted by Claudius II. Valentine was arrested, and sent by the emperor to the prefect of Rome, who, found that Valentine wouldn’t renounce his faith and the lovely prefect commended him to be beaten with clubs, and afterwards, to be beheaded. He was executed on February 14, about the year 270.
There are lots of different stories about Valentine - so we’ll just have that one here. When people start celebrating St Valentines’ Day? Who sent the first Valentine? There is a rumour that he himself did that from prison before he was beheaded. It is rumoured that the Romans first started the celebrations and in Great Britain we first began celebrating around the 17th Century – so the shops haven’t just invented it!
Is this a time we need to be careful? Will we get upset when we don/t get a card? Will we feel left out? Unwanted? Unloved? Well it’s all optional you know.
For my personal opinion, so “My Model of the World” everyone deserves something nice on Valentines’ Day (and when I find out where I’ve mislaid the heart chocolates I bought for my course this weekend I’ll be much happier – I thought everyone deserves a little token).
But – remember people, and love is there 24x7, 365 or 366 days a year. A relationship is for life not just for Valentine’s Day. Someone told me a few weeks ago – “Actually I can’t come on your course because Day 2 (of an 18 day course) is on Valentine’s Day and my wife wouldn’t like it”. Err what does she do when he’s at work?
To be honest I’ve been for a Valentine’s meal twice in my life the first time we didn’t pay for it, because the hotel couldn’t cope with the numbers they had accepted for reservations and part of the meal was cold, and the 2nd time, well it was ok, but it was overpriced and over the top. And this year I’m working and my bidey-in is playing bowls, again;)
I invite you to think – what is all this blackmail we subject ourselves to? Are we any better off because someone bought us a card and gave us some expensive flowers. I have to admit, last year I was better off, well I felt better off. I was in a bad place 14 days away from a major op and little bit cheesed off with life so the Posy for Rosie in a big vase that I got from Jim was lovely. My guy is not a hearts and flowers kind of guy normally; he shows me he wants to be with me other ways.
How do the important people, so not just your partner, but also your children, your parents, your friends (this weekend just gone a participant on one of my course bought 4 copies of my book for 4 of her friends!) show you that they want to be with you, that they like you, that they love you? And vice versa?
How do they show us, tell us, make us feel “loved” or “wanted”, it’s a two way thing you know. How will you treat your partner?
Note : No-one is worth spending time with if they tell you “you would do that if you liked me”, “show me how much you love me and do ……..”, “you can’t possibly like me/love me because ……………” anything like that is blackmail and manipulation. People do things for other people because they want to, of their own free will, because they like the other person.
Together we (me and Jim) do things we like – such as eating out by the sea on a warm and sunny evening, and going up to the top of a hill to watch the sun set and dawn break at midsummer. Who needs a fluffy toy? You can’t change someone else, but you can change the way you react. Knights in armour on shining white horses, or pretty damsels, who want to do your every bidding, are in short supply, especially in the 21st Century! And “a dream” or “a dream man or woman” will always be just that – a dream. We can allow our dreams to become reality, by noticing that the guy or gal in front of you has wonderful qualities. Have you seen the film Shrek?
And there are other people around who send me cards and thank yous, my grandsons, clients, and I can make collages myself, and buy me little things I like. So the better I understand myself and what I think I would like, the better I am able to understand my partner and I can therefore create a more satisfying and pleasurable relationship.
Now sometimes I may have to repeat myself, several times. Just how many times? You know we have patterns, run patterns in the way we are convinced of things. Sometimes we say that this is nagging, we have to nag someone – but do we?
What happens if we match the other person’s body posture and use a tone of voice that is “normal”- so we leave out the whining, complaining, commanding, demanding, whatever it is that “turns the other person off” and we state our case, taking into account some of the following?
So does your partner need to “see something, hear something, do something or read something” in order for it to “sink in”. I have a couple of friends when I want to get my point across to them, I need to write to them, one knows it works for him and he told me so several years ago and asked me to write to him so he could understand something better, and the other one, asked me “why do you write to me, when you’re really annoyed? You know I have to take you seriously.” Well what do you say to that?
And, or – does your partner need a number of examples, so do you need to present (so say it, write it down, show them or show by doing) them with the information, or will they react when presented with partial information, or are they never completely convinced, they need to re-assess the information each time (yes there are people like that, and it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are), or does the information need to remain constant for some period of time? Now it may be that they react differently for different pieces of information, in different situations, or maybe that they react in the same way for everything. You only need to work it out if you are having problems, honestly. Only if something isn’t working, do something else instead.
It’s really worth giving all of this thought, especially when all the other bits of your relationship add up so why throw it all away because you don’t bring me flowers as the song says?
Mm we can do really effective, but not really useful “programming” of our brains with that stuff – notice the words of a love song and enjoy them as a song, but not as a creed by which I or you live.
Go out and buy yourself something for Valentine’s Day. Why not? Whatever you do enjoy the day. Smiling at others is often good. Smiling, thinking happy, being happy brings amazing results. Try it.
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