Finding The Relationship You Deserve

When Ignorance is not Bliss

2010-07-04T21:43:00.000+01:00

Last night I had the strangest dream – prompted in part by me eating things I normally avoid and to a great extent by a comment I overheard whilst eating.

This last 10 days have for me been amazing, suddenly, after a period of several months of acute relationship agony, life otherwise is improving tremendously. Now this blog as I hope you know is about all relationships as Finding the Relationship you Deserve (the book) is about all relationships in all of life. My relationship agony has not been with beloved Jim, but with another blood relative in my family. This relationship agony has been caused by other people’s mind boggling relationships with themselves and others. If you follow one of my other blogs NLP Highland Words that Change Minds, you may recall that my last but one blog was in respect of the World Cup if you read that blog and you just might find it interesting, you will be aware that I and the blog comment on relationships, how they have changed in South Africa since ‘I were a lass’.

Well if South Africa has moved on, blow me Britain has not. I’ve lived in Scotland since 1998, until this year I have NEVER experienced racism, intolerance or ignorance on a scale of which this year I am becoming aware of all of these three things. None of this is directed at me personally.
Ignorance is a state of being uninformed, so dictionaries say. Avoid confusing ignorance with being unintelligent, as a person's level of intelligence and level of education or general awareness are not the same. The word "ignorant" is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware.

My formative years were in the 50s and 60s in a sleepy suburb of Nottingham, I grew up with the Church of England and I remember one song, sung at the summer ‘camp’ (we never went away, the camps were held at the local church) events ‘Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, be they yellow, black or white, they are precious in his sight’ – it’s probably politically incorrect nowadays). Anyway, today I avoid churches if I can, but that’s another story, the comment is just here to state that what I write here is from a human point of view. In West Bridgford in the 50s and 60s I went to school with Polish, children, Russian children, German children, Ukrainian children, Indian children, Jamaican children and lots of white English children. I cannot recall one incident of racism, racial hatred (apart from my sewing teacher’s horror when I allowed a Jamaican girl to try, and I mean try to braid my very blonde, very straight and very soft hair (particularly in comparison with her hair, into Jamaican braids, she tried so hard and it just would not happen, we were fascinated with one another’s hair because it was so different!).

I learned so many things about how other people ate, what was ‘right and wrong’ in their families and I learned to form relationships with anyone ‘be they yellow, black or white’ and I learned different is ok. I also learned, cos some kids picked on me as I was ‘fatty’, that other people don’t like difference. Curiously what I did not know until about 2004 was that my Dad (bless his 87 year old cotton socks was racist – he now has 2 beautiful mixed race grandsons and 2 grandchildren who are also mixed race – that’s not obvious by looking at them by the way – and my Dad had at some point to change his mind about different people. My Dad grew up in a different age, with different rules and he did travel the world as a sailor, but then of course, other people stayed put, in their own countries).

Anyway this year I have come across indirect physical and verbal attacks on a 6 year old, cos he’s the wrong colour, so he’s different and that has almost cost me a family relationship and it has certainly changed that relationship, for reasons I will avoid discussing here.

Yesterday evening; we, me and Jim were sat outside the Golf View Hotel in Nairn, where in spite of some changes in ownership over the last few years, the food is still excellent. The Golf View has panoramic views of the Moray Firth, we watched a tanker, moored in the Firth, a cruise ship leaving from Invergordon and a small boot that had possibly left Nairn harbour, the sun was shining, the seabirds crying, quite a lovely day.

To my left sat a group of people in their 30s and 40s (one said he would be 44 this year, oh born in 1966, now that’s an interesting year – read on) they were mostly Scottish (from around Glasgow, Ayr and an English couple who I presume live in Scotland) they (the group) had some teenage looking children with and a spaniel and they were sitting and drinking and talking and they were quite loud.
Now do you know that scenario in life when something is in your field of awareness you home in on conversations, or you suddenly become aware of something and suddenly ‘it’s everywhere’? Well, bear in mind this is Saturday 3rd July and Germany (the football team that is) have just thrashed (nominalisation for played extremely well – I watched the match) Argentina that afternoon 4 nil and the German team played exceedingly, probably the best match in the whole of this year’s World Cup so far .

Playing well in a team is about relationships, 1) with yourself – confidence and self-esteem, 2) with your teammates, trust and knowing where, when and what the others will do and 3) with you management team – so you all produce the best end result.

Anyway, suddenly yesterday evening outside the hotel, I overhear a young woman (late 30s) say ‘I think it’s disgusting, disgusting that when Germany were playing England people in the pub (somewhere in Scotland) where shouting for Germany to win’. This is interesting I think to myself, many Scots will want any team other than England to win, so I listened more closely and I then I held on tight to my chair …. She went on “do they not know we fought Germany in 2 world wars, it’s disgusting to want them to win when they are horrible people.” At this point in time on the other side of the glass to where she is sitting there are 2 German couples blissfully unaware as they enjoy, their good food, the Scottish hospitality, the great view, that there’s a Scot out there in 2010 with these views.

Now I maintained a good and useful state and did not let any of this ‘spoil my enjoyment, ruin my meal’, I refrained from ‘seeing red’, allowing ‘my ‘blood to boil’. I was amazed 2 months previously I sat in the Manchurian restaurant n Aberdeen and watched a woman, another Scot, on the mention by one of the men at the table that he had a German doctor, I watched her put 2 fingers above her top lip and give a Nazi salute sat at the table in the busy restaurant on a Sunday night (and she was sober).

I ask – is their relationship with themselves, so poor that they need to be racist that they need to ‘pick on others’ because they are different? Do they realise how world wars start? Do they realise that these 2 world wars were a long time ago? In Germany several years ago there was a poster something like this – do you realise? Your pizza is Italian, your kebab is Turkish………….. etc, Relationships are about tolerance, about recognising others are different, ok so I could say ‘it’s a free country she’s entitled to her opinion’ – those kind of opinions are the way in countries and people lose their freedom, how Mandela was incarcerated for years, why this World Cup is so important for world peace.

I’m sure I lost relatives in both world wars; I know my children will have lost relatives on both sides in both world wars. It’s 2010. Why still have a war in your head? Why do we need to bring baggage from the past (see page 30 of Finding the Relationship you Deserve) and what’s more it’s not even our baggage, into life today? My own mother wasn’t too happy about the Japanese as her brother had suffered in prisoner of war camps run by Japanese soldiers, she had a direct reason, she’s now grown older she’s more tolerant. We all have bad, destructive relationships at times; we all are at times in relationships in which we do things we later might think differently about. However the world will never be a pleasant place to live in if we persistently believe that because people are different from us, or were different from us that we should denigrate them, we should dislike, or hate them.

One of the NLP Operating Beliefs (Presuppositions about how it might be useful to think about life) states – Mind and Body are the same system – what affects one will affect the other – therefore if we think badly of others – guess what?

I enjoyed my evening and we went home and Jim watched Spain and Paraguay play and read a book, we enjoyed our relationship with one another and ourselves. And we like anyone, unless they directly do something to us or our families and then first we try and resolve the matter.

Be mine Valentine!

2010-02-11T17:14:00.001Z

“As long as he needs me,” On my own, how can I live without you?”, “What do I do to make you love me?”,– oh it’s those love songs again. It’s that time of year. It’s commercial exploitation – well they have to make a living, and you can only be exploited if you let that happen see Response-ability.

Anyway Valentine’s Day – hearts and flowers and by gum don’t those flowers get to be expensive?

Valentine was in fact a holy priest in Rome, together with St. Marius and his family, Valentine assisted the martyrs who were persecuted by Claudius II. Valentine was arrested, and sent by the emperor to the prefect of Rome, who, found that Valentine wouldn’t renounce his faith and the lovely prefect commended him to be beaten with clubs, and afterwards, to be beheaded. He was executed on February 14, about the year 270.

There are lots of different stories about Valentine - so we’ll just have that one here. When people start celebrating St Valentines’ Day? Who sent the first Valentine? There is a rumour that he himself did that from prison before he was beheaded. It is rumoured that the Romans first started the celebrations and in Great Britain we first began celebrating around the 17th Century – so the shops haven’t just invented it!

Is this a time we need to be careful? Will we get upset when we don/t get a card? Will we feel left out? Unwanted? Unloved? Well it’s all optional you know.

For my personal opinion, so “My Model of the World” everyone deserves something nice on Valentines’ Day (and when I find out where I’ve mislaid the heart chocolates I bought for my course this weekend I’ll be much happier – I thought everyone deserves a little token).

But – remember people, and love is there 24x7, 365 or 366 days a year. A relationship is for life not just for Valentine’s Day. Someone told me a few weeks ago – “Actually I can’t come on your course because Day 2 (of an 18 day course) is on Valentine’s Day and my wife wouldn’t like it”. Err what does she do when he’s at work?

To be honest I’ve been for a Valentine’s meal twice in my life the first time we didn’t pay for it, because the hotel couldn’t cope with the numbers they had accepted for reservations and part of the meal was cold, and the 2nd time, well it was ok, but it was overpriced and over the top. And this year I’m working and my bidey-in is playing bowls, again;)

I invite you to think – what is all this blackmail we subject ourselves to? Are we any better off because someone bought us a card and gave us some expensive flowers. I have to admit, last year I was better off, well I felt better off. I was in a bad place 14 days away from a major op and little bit cheesed off with life so the Posy for Rosie in a big vase that I got from Jim was lovely. My guy is not a hearts and flowers kind of guy normally; he shows me he wants to be with me other ways.

How do the important people, so not just your partner, but also your children, your parents, your friends (this weekend just gone a participant on one of my course bought 4 copies of my book for 4 of her friends!) show you that they want to be with you, that they like you, that they love you? And vice versa?

How do they show us, tell us, make us feel “loved” or “wanted”, it’s a two way thing you know. How will you treat your partner?

Note : No-one is worth spending time with if they tell you “you would do that if you liked me”, “show me how much you love me and do ……..”, “you can’t possibly like me/love me because ……………” anything like that is blackmail and manipulation. People do things for other people because they want to, of their own free will, because they like the other person.

Together we (me and Jim) do things we like – such as eating out by the sea on a warm and sunny evening, and going up to the top of a hill to watch the sun set and dawn break at midsummer. Who needs a fluffy toy? You can’t change someone else, but you can change the way you react. Knights in armour on shining white horses, or pretty damsels, who want to do your every bidding, are in short supply, especially in the 21st Century! And “a dream” or “a dream man or woman” will always be just that – a dream. We can allow our dreams to become reality, by noticing that the guy or gal in front of you has wonderful qualities. Have you seen the film Shrek?

And there are other people around who send me cards and thank yous, my grandsons, clients, and I can make collages myself, and buy me little things I like. So the better I understand myself and what I think I would like, the better I am able to understand my partner and I can therefore create a more satisfying and pleasurable relationship.

Now sometimes I may have to repeat myself, several times. Just how many times? You know we have patterns, run patterns in the way we are convinced of things. Sometimes we say that this is nagging, we have to nag someone – but do we?

What happens if we match the other person’s body posture and use a tone of voice that is “normal”- so we leave out the whining, complaining, commanding, demanding, whatever it is that “turns the other person off” and we state our case, taking into account some of the following?

So does your partner need to “see something, hear something, do something or read something” in order for it to “sink in”. I have a couple of friends when I want to get my point across to them, I need to write to them, one knows it works for him and he told me so several years ago and asked me to write to him so he could understand something better, and the other one, asked me “why do you write to me, when you’re really annoyed? You know I have to take you seriously.” Well what do you say to that?

And, or – does your partner need a number of examples, so do you need to present (so say it, write it down, show them or show by doing) them with the information, or will they react when presented with partial information, or are they never completely convinced, they need to re-assess the information each time (yes there are people like that, and it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are), or does the information need to remain constant for some period of time? Now it may be that they react differently for different pieces of information, in different situations, or maybe that they react in the same way for everything. You only need to work it out if you are having problems, honestly. Only if something isn’t working, do something else instead.

It’s really worth giving all of this thought, especially when all the other bits of your relationship add up so why throw it all away because you don’t bring me flowers as the song says?

Mm we can do really effective, but not really useful “programming” of our brains with that stuff – notice the words of a love song and enjoy them as a song, but not as a creed by which I or you live.

Go out and buy yourself something for Valentine’s Day. Why not? Whatever you do enjoy the day. Smiling at others is often good. Smiling, thinking happy, being happy brings amazing results. Try it.

Mr or Mrs Right Now!

2010-01-25T16:26:00.000Z

I read an article yesterday advocating something along the lines of “get married – right now” – wait no longer for Mr or Mrs Right – mm well, please, please make sure the person you marry or live with is a friend with whom you have a few things in common. This is particularly pertinent right now as 2 of my female acquaintances have horrendous problems, problems which have been going on for years - mainly because they got married "because they thought they should, they were afraid of being left on the shelf, they were afraid of being left alone" or some such. Yhis is impacting on their friends, families, their mental health, in one case their ability to work and function as a member of society!

A good friend is someone you can think aloud in front of, a good friend is there to pick up the pieces and a good friend will always welcome you back, a really good friend will also put their foot down and say I don’t like that (whatever it is you might be saying or doing - like your latest fad or partner) but you know it’s okay I still value you as a friend. Whether that friend is male or female and in the relationship you truly deserve the most important friends are My oldest friendship goes back to age 11 when I started Grammar school, she phones me when she needs to talk and I know if I need her she will be there for me, she also came to my second wedding (see the end of this book if you need to) and she came to my late husband's funeral, she just said “I’d like to be there.” My other very good friend I’ve known since I was 16, we were pen friends at school, she’s in a different country, if I need her she is there, when I go to visit them I usually get taken along to “sort something out”, I also get taken to school (she’s a head teacher) – we listen to one another’s worries, and we go to the Opera, I don’t that in the UK, well rarely.

Friends are important, it’s important they are non-judgemental (after all we are only judging from what we believe to be true, it might or might not be true for us, but it certainly ain’t true for the other person). Friendship is kind of like the most precious balloon you ever had as a child, let it fly and bounce on the wind at the end of a string and if you pull it close, treat it with care, because if you squeeze too hard it will burst into pieces and you can’t, however hard you try put a balloon together again. You will need your friends on the way to your relationship, you will need them in your relationship, and you will need them after your relationship, nothing is so good it lasts eternally – do you know these lyrics?:

“Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
No-one in your life is with you constantly
No-one is completely on your side”

They are from “I know him so well” from the musical Chess (and I have permission from Sir Tim Rice to use the lyrics) and there are more lyrics than this and I’ve taken these out of context, but for a reason. At some point your partner or you may leave the relationship. If we marry, we marry “till death do us part” and that I think is possibly the “nicest” (said with great care here) way for a relationship to end. For some people relationships will end earlier than we would like them to. This can be due to death which happens at an untimely stage (I don’t really think there’s right time to die – it hurts the people who are left at any age). For some people it will be someone else’s death that ends the relationship, the death of a child, another loved one, sometimes one partner becomes so ill they are no longer the person you met and partners make (for me) interesting choices about how to deal with this situation. Some people are just not the right people at the time, and we have to acknowledge that and move on.

With a lot of work, and it takes a lot of work to sustain any relationship, you will keep the relationship and that includes your friends. This year a young woman on one of my courses whose marriage was a few months away set her “Life Purpose” and in that she stated something along the lines that her husband to be would have to be there for her to fulfill her life purpose. The guy on the course working with her came to me and asked “is that okay, I thought it’s a good idea to have in this only things we can have on control over (or we reasonably believe we can) and not to rely on other people”. Yes he was right, so I took Sarah (that’s not her name) on one side, as she was already starting to get upset at the thought that her future husband might die. Now I am in the position (if you haven’t been to the end of the book you might want to peek now or just believe me) to say, hey people die. The love of your life can die (or just walk out) and you might be stood there saying (shaking like a jelly and falling apart) I can’t go on, and if your life purpose is that you can’t continue to live without that special person, you will be stuck, very stuck.

So a) nurture your friends, notice they are not more important than but just as important as your relationship and b) make sure your partner is a friend!

Please and thank you and a way to save money on presents in the short term

2009-12-12T13:19:00.000Z

You know please is an interesting word, in some languages it’s not needed, because it’s understood by the way you ask something that you are being polite. So you might ask would you do something for me, or would you like to do something, or may I have something, and in those even in the English language “please” is really implied. It’s just an extra word, which (in many languages) we don’t need to use, as we have the right tone and body posture, so that the person we are asking to do something knows we are being polite. In the English language we get hung up (sometimes) on the use of the word please. Other times we forget to use it at all, and there we have problems too.

Now why am I waffling about this? Well if the prospective partner in your relationship does not speak British English, then notice they may not use the word “please” as often as you might like, or you might have been trained, or programmed to believe is necessary by your parents, teachers, peers etc. to believe “please” should be acceptable. Notice how they look at you, what their body posture is like, what their voice tonality is like, do you need the word “please”, in order to continue?

Conversely overuse of the word “please” or phrases such as “pretty please” can make things sound a little over the top. Sometimes simply altering your tonality, looking at the person whilst you are speaking to them (eye contact is not always necessary – some people think better when they don’t look you directly in the face). Looking at people is often useful; especially if they have hearing problems and many people do find hearing clearly in situations where there is background noise, conversation or music difficult. Looking at them makes it easier for them to locate the fact that a) you are speaking and b) that you are speaking to them. And then asking the person “if they would” do something for us, or “might do”, is actually more effective and less obsequious, as long as you are congruent and definite (not aggressive).

Now “sorry”. Sorry is one of the easiest words to say in any language, what is difficult to do for a great many people, is actually to mean that they are sorry and to either act on what they have said or even to carry it out.

What does this mean for a relationship? Well it’s really constructive for a relationship to be very careful with your use of the word. I had a lodger once (I’ve had several lodgers over the years –it’s often good to have someone to take care of the house or help out in other ways) – this lodger was a young woman who had experienced some interesting things in her life. Anyway she believed “sorry” was an answer for everything, “sorry I’m going on holiday and I can’t pay you the rent for 2 weeks, cos I need it for spending money”, “sorry my boyfriend climbed up the drainpipe last night and it broke off”, and many, many other sorrys. The thing was many things then happened again and again.

Do you or does someone you know use “sorry” as a throwaway word and then just either carry on doing whatever it is “squeezing the toothpaste tube in the wrong way”, “eating your chocolate”, “reading your paper first/or folding it the wrong the way”, or worse, and then they keep on doing it again? Well we can’t change the way other people act, but we can change ourselves, so if you say “sorry” frequently, how about changing that into “oops” or whatever you might choose to say and explain what you’ve done wrong, actually putting your hands up to having done something wrong is a big thing, and believe me it’s actually much easier, as you don’t have to live with the guilt or the thoughts of “I wish I hadn’t done that” and you can also do something about making up for what you did, or doing something differently!

Thank you, remember to say thank you and sometimes it’s useful to show your gratitude, but if someone doesn’t “pay you back” – “buy you a coffee” because you bought them one – it doesn’t mean that they are ungrateful, it might mean they simply said “thank you” and they meant it. Also please bear in mind, most people do things for you just because they want to – it doesn’t mean you have to “spend the same amount of money”, “cook the same meal”, “buy them the same kind of present” – if you want to do something for them – remember you talents. What could you do for that other person? Wash their windows, dig their garden, take their dog for a walk, take some photos, give them a lift somewhere, wash their dishes for a week (yes please). And you can always write them out a “promise to ………………….”, tie that up in a red ribbon and give it to them.

More on Always, Everyone, Every Time

2009-11-04T08:57:00.000Z

Now often we forget the facts, and in relationships we allow the fog – stuff that someone says (someone, could be ourselves, partner, the media, TV soap characters, our family, convention …..need I go on?), past experiences (remember the baggage and what to do with that?), laziness and complacency and more to get in the way.

As I was talking about this book and the ideas behind it to someone else, we’ll call her Jane (that isn’t her name) – I noticed she was making some comments and whilst I watched her thinking (I know her pretty well and how she processes thoughts and experiences) – I asked myself – mm what nerve am I touching here? So I asked her “Jane, you know I wonder just how many people who have been in relationships for a long time – meaning 20, 25 years or more (nowadays I sometimes think 10 years is a long time for many people, but that’s another subject and maybe this book will help some people to revisit their relationship and think again and strengthen the relationship with their once loved one?), well I wonder how many people grow apart because they hide behind the fog?”

“Fog” – now there’s a word – what do I mean by that? Well I’ve used that as a generalisation for times or words or actions that we hide behind. In any relationship we grow, and we change, over time we can then become complacent and often we are complacent in the way that we lull ourselves into thinking we are right, the other person is wrong, we have done everything we needed to, we should do and we don’t actually sit down and talk, or ask questions, or think we might be the one who is doing something wrong. We have our own interests and sometimes we think they should come first and really it’s just a way of hiding from confrontation.

Talking is good, arguing can sometimes be good, and making up is a really good idea. So finding a good and resourceful state and saying calmly what you want out of life, and from your partner is a really good idea and perhaps if they’re not willing to listen, or talk and compromise then perhaps they’re not the right person?

The problem with words is they do not have fixed meaning; they have the meaning we attribute to them. Ask 3 or 4 or more people in the same room to describe each of these things separately - Elephant, Alarm, Velvet, Lemon and Smoke – I guarantee you that you will come up with different interpretations and even if some of them sound the same, then ask a few more questions about their description as people’s understanding will give different pictures, sounds and feelings. Simply ask them to describe in more detail. What implications does this have for everyday conversation?

Tonight my partner on the phone to one of his daughter’s asked me “do you like pork” – I answered “we had pork for lunch” – which meant in my head “yes dear, of course I like pork, don’t you remember?” – he relayed “we had pork for lunch” – daughter said “we can have something else” – err no, that wasn’t what I meant – argh!

When we use language, we set frames of reference - these frames establish our reality or models of the world. Language is a symbolic system and for that reason never becomes reality. To deal with the world we choose the information that suits us and we use this choice to move through life - in doing this we use what NLP calls Distortions, Deletions and Generalisations. We need to do this, we couldn’t survive otherwise – information overload.

So we delete – we chose to remember bits of what we experience and leave parts out. We either don’t register them or write them off as unimportant. Have you ever looked for your keys then found them in a place in which you already looked (or wondered who ate the other half of your biscuit)? That’s how deletion works.

So in a bad mood, or on a day when something has thrown us, we only hear the negative in what others say and delete the positive, even when they are both in the same sentence.

We distort – we change our experience, exaggerate it or reduce it and see it in different ways, like those funny mirrors at the fair.

If we weren’t able to distort we wouldn’t be able to be creative. It is useful to be able to imagine what something will look like when it is finished, redecorating a room, decorating a cake for example. Those are positive aspects of distortion. If you make the decision that the way someone says, or writes something, or looks at you, means that they don’t like you, you run the risk of creating a distortion of reality and distorting your response. “I know you don’t like me, you’re looking at me the way my mother does when she’s angry (and it might be the sun’s in their eyes). Fantasy builds on fantasy.

We generalise, we take aspects of an experience we have had as representing a whole class of experiences and ignore any exceptions. This can be useful to help us respond to new situations on the basis of similar ones in the past. It causes problems if we generalise wrongly or do not stay open to a new experience. Beliefs are examples of generalisations. I used to believe all men were useless. My son told me, I hadn’t met ones who were useful yet, and of course I was concentrating on the wrong thing.

When we generalise we do it in order to make sense of the world and to help us to know what to expect. This means we know that things shaped like chairs will be something to sit on and give us support. It is part of how we learn. But the same process can be disastrous, if we have had a difficult relationship and decide on that basis that all men and women are the same – untrustworthy for example, then this generalisation could stop you from forming any relationship with anyone who is an exception to your rule that you have created.

People who distort their experience can be a constant surprise with their interpretations of your actions and words. They make unusual connections and tend to “read your mind” or “know what you are thinking” and assume they know your thoughts and feelings from what you say. Artists and writers often use distortion to create fantasy worlds; of course we can use distortion to get things so wrong in life!

People who generalise a great deal can either be very sure or very unsure or insecure. The world can seem very simple to them - black and white, shades of grey are not so easy for them to work with, an experience for them has to be one thing or the other

Always, Everyone, Every Time - How to keep the relationship

2009-10-21T08:48:00.000+01:00

Whilst I was writing this, I had a learning moment or a few days actually, I decided I wanted to leave my relationship. _____ Keep on reading.

I had a crisis, well I thought I did. Part of it was down to the fact that I deleted some bits of information, and I distorted some others, and I generalised a bit and best of all (some sarcasm required here!) I repeated some or at least one pattern, or we might call that a habit.

The main details are not important here, what is important - goes in this order.

The next day I emailed a friend, a good friend, whom we had been out with 2 nights before, and I said to her – “I don’t think I’m qualified to write this book anymore, because I think I made a mistake and I want out of my relationship.” Linda, I’ve mentioned her before, wrote back, “well perhaps that’s something you need to include in the book anyway. It’s not just about how to find the relationship, it’s also important to keep it. So perhaps you could work on that.”

Mmm, interesting I thought. And I thought some more, and I went over what had happened the previous day. And I realised I was worried about something over which I had no control. You know those things, you can think of one or two. And then I realised there were a few things that I had got angry about (you know those kind of things – the kind of things the ones that “make you” react in a certain way, the things that people say that “make you” do things). Well did you also know that only you have control over you, only you can allow your buttons to be pushed; only you are driving your bus? The bottom line is you have the choice to decide how to react. Now so often in the past we have reacted in a way that has not been useful. We like life to be easy, so we react that way again and again and as in the case of the beliefs – it just happens and we get the same reaction from us and others as we have always had. So when your partner behaves “just like your ex”, or “just like everyone else”, or you “just knew this would happen”, or “all men or all women are the same”. Well basically it’s because what we expect to happen will happen, so when we “play safe” and “expect the worst” – then guess what? That’s just what we get. (Remember Beliefs!)

Think about it – if you smile others will smile, “laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”. If you snap at people, they will not like you.

So back to me. I realised, when I thought about it, that my relationship was at “that stage, for me, where I hit a bump”. So then what happens is, that something happens in my life and I go into the depths of despair and look for everything that is negative and bad (in my own world) and I delete all the good things, I distort a few things out of all proportion and I generalise a thing or two. Have you seen the film “The Holiday” - beautiful young woman wants to run out of a relationship - know that one? I thought that was a great film in respect of relationships and so are “Bridget Jones” Diary”, “Sleepless in Seattle” to name another two, you can think of more.

And I forget all the things that attracted me to my partner, and I forget the warmth and strength, oh yes and that he’s attracted to me, and I forget I have good friends and I forget I do good things with other people and I forget to have patience.

I also occasionally forget to use the stuff I’m good at, which includes listening and understanding and questioning what others mean when they talk to me. So in our relationship we both have our own understanding of what we mean by “relationship”. I would like to is get married (living happily ever after is not a given), and my partner’s idea of relationship is that we are good company, and fortunately that also means that grumpiness is allowed and it’s mainly me that’s grumpy (he’s a man of the world). He only really gets annoyed about being overcharged and bad driving (that’s another story – did you know we all have blind spots?).

So what I’m saying is it’s important we learn to understand the bits of conversation we all (and that’s a generalisation too) delete. Some questions for improving understanding:

“What is the most useful question I can ask, right now?”
“What don’t I know yet that could make the most difference?”
“What is the most useful way to think about this?”
“What wants to happen here, and which question is the key?”
“What question can I ask that will be most useful to the other person?”

Ask yourself these questions or one of these questions in your head. Spaces in conversations are fine and whilst you’re thinking - put aside any assumptions you might have about the other person’s face pulling, grimacing etc., and those thoughts you “just know what they are thinking” (there will be times when ”knowing what the other person is thinking is useful” – however when you have a heated discussion this kind of knowing or assuming is not useful, believe me).

Like some suggestions?

“What is the most useful question I can ask, right now?”Sometimes it’s about stopping thinking about me and instead thinking about the other person, you know they might have had a hard day at work, they might be feeling really bad because someone has scraped their car, or they might be tired. So questions like “how are you?”, “how was your day?”, “what can I do for you” – and then like the answer even if it is I’d like to be alone for a while (leaving someone alone saves arguments), or if they ask you to do something you don’t want to do at that point in time, negotiate it for later, would it be okay to do that later.

“What don’t I know yet that could make the most difference?”Well the answer to this could be one of the above questions. But it just might be for example if you have reacted badly to some other person in your partner’s life, that this other person is important (even if you don’t like them, can’t stand them – interfering is not good you could lose your relationship – the better part of valour is to say okay, and in a quiet voice I don’t like them, and let them go to wherever it is). [I do the Mickey Mouse thing here – see next chapter]. So it might be find our how much this person, this thing in the house, this ritual means to your partner and work out how you are going to cope with it.

“What is the most useful way to think about this?”I suppose I could use the last piece as an example - I put it on one side is one thing. I also remember that I can use it as an example if my partner objects to something I do (said of course in the “pass the salt tone”) “remember you do your paper delivery”. (He delivers a paper to a long-standing friend – don’t ask me why, but notice it’s a long-standing friend and that’s important to him). What does it mean to the other person? Are you big enough to accept it is good for them and it’s not detracting from who you are or what you do and most importantly from your relationship.

“What wants to happen here, and which question is the key?”Well what might it be useful to do, walk out the room? Calm down, come back, say you are sorry.

“What question can I ask that will be most useful to the other person?”
One of the best things I have ever said in my personal life - when I was really at my wits end and unable to put my best professional thinking head on, or be a “fly on the wall” and look at what was happening between us from a different perspective (with a lot of practice it can be done in a heated discussion) – I said “I really need you to help me, I need you to talk here – because I just don’t know what to do.” And the answer I got was so far removed from anything I could have expected, or “known”, or assumed, because it had absolutely nothing to do with me, and it explained my partner’s problems and gave us a basis to move forwards and things became even better for both of is, because we knew we could talk even more and do something. Instead of getting stuck in his reasoning, which we had been and that was according to him - we had a problem, because he had been on his own for a long time and was stuck in his ways.

Facts were, he wasn’t stuck, and he was using that as an excuse to stay in a comfort zone that is a pattern for not having to deal with something. And the other very real fact that came straight into my head when he said that was – excuse me I’ve “been on my own a lot longer than you”.

More next time.

Being okay with being you

2009-09-18T16:56:00.000+01:00

Or having self-esteem, my friend Lucy asked me to write something about self-esteem and about how to happy with yourself. So I thought I would mention this in this separate section, although I do make references to being okay with being you in various places. Have you noticed them as you’ve been reading?

So what does it mean, well it’s about knowing that you can survive and be happy without a partner, so I don’t need a man to be a whole person, I can exist without a man in my life, that is one to live with or be a partner with. In spite of my friend Monica telling me I see you as being in/needing a relationship. Well only if it doesn’t drain me/wear me out, do I want to be in a good relationship. And I want that relationship to be good. Good for me and good for my partner.

So if this person you meet says things that you don’t like, picks on you because of your size, your accent, the fact you are a little afraid of something, the fact you don’t like something, then say I don’t like that, that upsets me, I feel unhappy about that, I feel insecure. And if they laugh at you or pick on you even more or just won’t let it drop, then it’s time to leave, refuse to see them again.

Never allow someone in a relationship, let alone in a relationship you want to have, to persuade you to do something you feel uncomfortable with, unhappy about, you know is wrong (even if they disagree). No-one is worth spending time with if they tell you “you would do that if you liked me”, “show me how much you love me and do ……..”, “you can’t possibly like me/love me because ……………” anything like that is blackmail and manipulation. People do things for other people because they want to, of their own free will, because they like the other a person.

A lot of people end up in bad relationships because they think “they’ll never have another chance”, “they’re too old, fat, thin”, “there’s no-one of my own sex, faith, race,” “I’ll go just this once, it’ll be okay,” “I’ll do it, it’ll be okay, nothing will happen,” or anything of that kind.
So remembering the things you can do, from your list, and remembering that you know to create a good and resourceful state, and be in the present and you can cope with your baggage from the past. Then you can now breathe deeply and stand tall and face the world, being kind, and at the same time firm, and have good self-esteem.

Practising for what you want to attract into your life is good

2009-08-26T21:36:00.001+01:00

Is there something you would like really to do that you can’t do, yet? In terms of relationships we often refuse to believe that something will happen, we tell ourselves its impossible, it doesn’t happen to me, I don’t deserve that. And guess what? It doesn’t happen, it is impossible, and we don’t get it, because that’s what we tell ourselves and it becomes reality.

So if we want something different, it’s useful to practise. Otherwise how will we actually know when that special thing we want in a relationship comes along? We might blink and miss it. Or miss it and our partner or that possible significant other goes away, or passes by or just doesn’t do that thing again, because we were too busy ‘looking the other way’ – the negative way.

Acting “As if” as a frame is a way of rehearsing something that you want to happen in the future or you want to attract into your life. In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) this is called expanding our map (Map of the World) by doing this in our mind it expands the choices available to us. By doing this we condition our brain to feel and learn new possibilities.

How would you like to think, feel, speak, behave, relate etc.? What would you like to experience for the first time or experience more fully? Think about this experience and see what you will see, hear what you will hear and feel how you will feel, how vivid and real does it seem?

When you have all of this in your mind, step into this either in your mind’s eye or step into a space on the floor. Can you give yourself permission to use your powers of mind and emotion to pretend?
If you cannot give yourself permission -Has pretending been forbidden in your life, tabooed, or attached to psychological pain (for example "Pretending is for children", "Why don't you grow up and stop being unrealistic?", "Pretending is just faking")? Do you need to give yourself permission a few more times so you can try some new patterning and responses? Is it OK to feel “weird”, strange, uncomfortable, and out of your comfort zone? Do you also have permission to play?

When you have all of this, design an “As-if” frame and step into it fully, either in your mind’s eye, or literally. Construct a mental movie for the experience.
Pretend now that you are stepping into that experience. What are you hearing, feeling and saying to yourself? How are you experiencing all of that in your body? What would someone else see as they look at you?

Check this out - from inside the experience, how does it feel? Will it be useful? Will you be able to respond better as a person? Is this empowering for you in what you want? Does it open up new possibilities?

Now step out of the experience, and check that the experience is right for you with these questions -

Will this affect your other relationships (family, friends, work colleagues etc.)
Will this affect your health?
Will this affect your sanity etc.?

Now think about this new way of thinking, feeling, acting etc. and move forwards with it into your future and go forward one year .... how does that feel? ………… five years how does that feel? Do you like that?

Do you like the possible benefits and consequences of this experience?
How many more times will you need to give yourself permission to keep experimenting with it, stepping into it, and practising all of this until you forget that you are pretending as it becomes your habitual style of responding?

So keep on with this opening yourself up to possibilities and one day as long as you keep on believing, you will avoid the problems of the past, keep away from those troublesome relationships and attract what you really want and deserve into your life!

The 2nd edition of Finding the Relationship you Deserve is out now - buy from NLP Highland or your local bookstore.

Getting Out There

2009-08-15T04:55:00.000+01:00

What do you want, in respect of this relationship?
Remember to be positive, concentrate on what you want.
Are you willing to start this and are you able to take control of the situation?

Where do you want to have this relationship?
I mean here check out would you be willing to move, town, country (I met a young woman who gave up her relationship [with the father of her child] because she missed her mum and dad and her friends when her partner’s job moved him and her to the south of England from Scotland).
Is there anywhere where you wouldn’t want to have this relationship? Same applies here; will you be okay living in a Yurt?

What will you see when you have this relationship? (Repeating yourself is good it adds to the practice).

What will you hear when you have this relationship?

What will you feel when you have this relationship?

How will you know when you have this relationship?

Is it appropriate for you to have a relationship right now? Are you in a good place with yourself? If you have children, what are you going to do about them? You do need time for you, but you also need time to get to know the other person and it’s best for the children that you sort your relationship out first before introducing your new partner to the children, too many people going in and out of children’s lives is sometimes not useful for the children.
So will it look right, sound right and feel right. If it’s not the right time at the moment, then can you set a mini outcome so that you will know what to do to as a stepping stone on the way to this relationship?

What do you get out of what you do right now?

Will you need to change what you are doing?
What will you lose? When someone else is around we lose some of things we used to take for granted (someone else in the bathroom, we might have to give some things up). Are you willing and able to compromise? Can you make compromises and negotiate for the other person to do to compromise and negotiate if necessary? Give and take is good, some of the time.

How will this relationship affect other aspects of your life?

Who and what else will it affect? Will you become so immersed in this relationship that you neglect others, drop your other friendships?

It’s a good idea to keep up the things you used to do and to keep your friends and family, because you never know what might happen.

Are there any conditions under which you wouldn’t want to go ahead with your partner search or a relationship when you’ve got it? You can be better off on your own than in a bad relationship.

What stops you having from having this desired relationship?
Check you have all the skills you need, you’ve sorted out the past, you’ve got a good and resourceful state, you’ve decided on some places to go to get to know people, oh yes and you’ve started standing up straight and smiling at people. Did I mention that? This standing up to any people. When you look good and get a good response from other people, hey presto, people will like to be around you, unless they prefer to be miserable.

Do you need anything else to start on this search?

What do you need to believe to have this relationship? Do you need to work on changing your beliefs? There’s a little more on that later.

What will having this relationship say about you? Will other people notice? Is it important that other people notice?

What will you say about you? Tell yourself that you can do it? You knew all along it was possible.

So when will you start?
And what will your first step be? (As in what will you do first?)

Where Can I Meet Someone?

2009-08-01T10:59:00.001+01:00

Some people are lucky and after lots of searching they find the right person through a dating agency, online, at speed dating at a singles club. Others don’t.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was from Claire Rayner at the time she was on Wogan’s TV show and it was around Valentine’s Day and I guess it was 1991. She was interviewed along with some other people and her suggestion for finding love was: “Join a club where people do something you like.” Her reasoning was “even if you don’t find love, you’ll meet other people with whom you have a common interest, enjoy the shared interest and make friends”. Well I tried that out and I can tell you she was right (and I also found love – you can go to the end of this book if you like to find out more about this or read on here).

You know you might sit at home and say I never meet anybody new, interesting or whoever you think you never meet. Mmm does the fact that you are sitting at home give you a clue as to why you aren’t meeting anyone, yet? There are plenty of places and events around for you to meet people.

What stops you from going?
Is it easier for you to work and use work as an excuse?
What would you like to learn that you can’t do yet?
What did you enjoy when you were younger?
What skill have you got you can share with others? Join a volunteer group. (Remember if it’s full of older people don’t write it off. Some of the oldies but goodies have families; there might be a single person in their family. Remember if you are older, that’s all you are, older, but not dead yet and you have a right to a relationship too).

Let people know what you are looking for, ok not with a sign on your forehead, or by lusting over single (or not) people of the type you are you’re looking for, but slip in your conversation that you are single, “yes I can be there, I can do that, I’m single at the moment [in this “pass the salt please” tone]” that way you’re letting people know you can be there and are happy to be there, and also by the way I’m single at the moment. It allows them know you are perhaps you are open to a relationship. And beware – saying “I’m not interested” can also do lead some people to believe they need to help you! (the brain has problems processing a negative at times). The same pass the salt tone will do if you receive any unwelcome advances, such as from a person of a sex you are not interested in, whether that be same sex or opposite sex, simply say “oh thanks, I’m really flattered but you’re not my type”.

So now you’ve stopped sitting at home and you’re out and about and guys, please note if you want to meet girls it might be an idea to do something different to standard guy things (girls too, but girls are more likely to know people who are free and looking and to talk about that fact, guys not necessarily). There is a shortage of guys at most things, so there must be a surplus of women, and at least you get to learn something new, and something new about women if you listen to what they have to say to one another and to you, and you might not meet someone there, but someone there might have a friend. It’s all about knowing a man or a woman who knows a man or a woman who………..

So like Claire Rayner said, you’ll meet new friends and learn something new.

And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

A Good and Resourceful State

2009-07-29T20:33:00.000+01:00

Now remember I mentioned being in a good, and useful, and resourceful state?

Well would you like to have one of those that you can call up any time, any place, anywhere?

Here’s how

1) Stand up and think back to a time when you were very confident, when you achieved something really good. Relive that moment, seeing what you see, hearing what you hear and feeling what you feel.

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for breakfast (or should you have had)?

2) Relive that moment, see what you see (or what you are seeing), with any colours, any pictures, any scenery, any people and anything that was around, only you can know what this was. hear what you hear (or what you are hearing), any sounds that are particularly important to you at this time, anything you said to yourself or someone else said to you, as appropriate for this “wow” experience. And then finally feel what you feel at that time where are the feelings, in your body, all around you

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for lunch (or should you have had)?

3) Go back and experience all of that again and then turn it all up, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, as if you have a remote control or a dial or a slide bar on a computer screen – turn it all up as far as is still comfortable.

Briefly think about something else, like your phone number backwards

4) As you feel the confidence building up inside you, imagine a circle on the floor just in front of you and colour this in with whatever colour you like.
Does it need to have a sound as well that indicates how powerful it is (only you can hear the sound)? Step into that circle taking all the sights, sounds and feelings with you.
When that feeling of confidence is at its fullest, step out of that circle, leaving those confident feelings inside the circle.

Briefly think about something else,
like what did you have for breakfast (or should you have had)?

5) Now think of a time in your future when you want to have that same feeling of confidence. See and hear what will be there just before you want to feel confident. This could be the door of a meeting room, answering the phone etc.

6) As soon as these cues are clear in your mind, step back into the circle and feel those confident feelings. Imagine that situation unfolding around you in the future with these confident feelings fully available to you.

Now step out of the circle again, leaving the confident feelings in the circle. Whilst outside -take a moment to think of that event in the future. Those confident feelings will come to you automatically. You’ve already reprogrammed yourself for that future event. You’re feeling better about it and it hasn’t even happened. When it does you will naturally respond more confidently.

If you find that difficult – some tips

If the difficulty is in finding a really wow moment, can you think of someone you know and admire who is really confident? They could be a real person, or TV, or film character (if you have any children you might use this circle for confidence and use Harry Potter, Tracy Beaker or whoever else is their idol) and create what that character will be seeing, hearing and feeling in the same way.

If stepping into the circle is an issue, then once you’ve got that supreme state see a colour in front of you and touch the seam on your trousers or skirt just as you get to the peak time and know that you can do that any time you want to get this state of confidence back again. Or other things you can do are imagine you are stepping through a doorway or arch, switching spotlights on.

It works, you have to practise though and you can do this in the privacy of your own home, and practise often, only “perfect practice makes perfect” you know.

I’ve done this now for years and I have a “one size fits all” circle that I use for many occasions, usually when meeting people in business situations or presenting and sometimes when meeting people in social situations especially if I would rather be somewhere else. But you can have a circle for each different occasion if you want, you can chain circles together (might be useful to get you to the door of this place you want to meet Mr or Miss Right). No one else needs to know.

If the visualising, the seeing bit seems to be a little difficult then see yourself on a screen, put yourself in your favourite film (it might need a little practice, but it’s worth it).

Okay so now you know how to create a good and useful state, you have confidence to get you to somewhere, and you can be cool, calm and collected. If you need some tips on how to be cool, calm and collected - just imagine you can be cool, calm and collected and practise this, think cool thoughts, a drink with ice in it, mountain stream, an open window with a cool breeze, whatever means cool to you will work, keep on seeing it, hearing it and feeling, either all three or whatever works best for you, it can take from 30 to 90 times to “reprogram” your thinking and behaviour in this way and when it is reprogramed just think of the rewards you will get.

Imagine now what it will be like when you meet this person you are going to have a relationship with, you may be fairly clear about what they will look like, how tall/short they will be, what colour hair, eyes, what kind of build.

You may not be clear – I don’t have a “type” – my first husband (biography at the end of this book if you want to rush back there and find out why she has had all these men and can she really keep them!) – was 5ft 4ins and dark blonde hair, blue eyes, medium build, my second husband 5ft 8ins, jet black hair, wore glasses, brown eyes, slim build. My partner Jim is 6ft, balding grey/black hair (I forgot to put hair on my wish list ), blue eyes, broad shoulders slim waist (well maybe not since he met me), slim legs and a paunch (age, good food and drink), wears the kilt.

Or, like me, what this partner looks like may not be an issue as the other things may be more important, but be clear, very, very clear. What will you see when you meet this person or when they are around? What will you hear? What will you feel?

For me I knew I would see bright colours, lots of people, I would hear laughter and music, the sound of voices and feel warmth.

If you want to, you could create a Vision Board, take pictures out of magazines, or photos you have, and cut out the pieces you want and create a vision, or a collage of what life will be like with this person, notice the colours, will there be music, do you want to add pieces of fabric or flowers, how do you want to embellish it? Avoid concentrating on one particular person – just because you cut out pictures of your favourite pop star, film idol, sportsperson - does not mean you will get to be with that person and worst case scenario you might be accused of having a fetish or stalking someone!

Keep this Vision Board somewhere where you can look at it on a daily basis, add to it, make a new one, if you do keep the old one, put it away and look at it some years later, to check what has actually happened in your life.

Before you go off to search around, or go to a meeting, or a prospective meeting do you need to do some work on stuff in the past that gets in the way sometimes?

Being clear, very very clear

2009-07-26T13:20:00.000+01:00

So with a little help from some friends I set up a list of criteria that I wanted and you can find that list in the actual book click here to buy online, and I have what I wanted and a little more actually;). And by the way the book is good if you want to think about the relationship you are already in. not just about something new.

Anyway more about you -

Now you can have a list saying whatever you wish for, I have a friend for whom it was very important that the guy (she has now married) had a full head of hair, I thought she was being a bit picky, but now I don’t think so, she just knew what she wanted. And for her, her list included he had to like dogs and a few other things.
So list at least 20 things that would be important to you in a partner, you might be vegetarian, you might have certain religious or political views, and you might want to make sure your partner has the same ones (saves wars at home), you might want children, to travel the world, you hate cheese – anything you want in a partner list it - remember people don’t change. They might tell you something you want to hear, “yes I’d love to go to Germany with you” was one I often used to hear, but in reality they’d rather go to Majorca, “yes I’ll look after the house whilst you are out at work” (and sell your CDs whilst you’re out, or invite a few friends round for a boozy afternoon).

When you’ve listed these things, take a look at them one by one and ask yourself so what would it be like if I met someone who didn’t have their own house (they might not have to own it, but check also are they on the verge of declaring themselves bankrupt, have they actually got any money, are they looking for someone else to move in with?

A good friend of mine once met a man, who told her he owed a great deal of money, and had defaulted on his mortgage, and many other things. And he also told her, he would be happy to move in with her and run the house whilst she worked. Well he did move in, but he also expected her to earn the money, and that he could sit outside in his shed, and play darts and smoke, and she could work and paid all the bills. She hadn’t really paid attention to what she really wanted (they also had absolutely nothing in common) – but reality was she wanted to feel wanted (not in the way he wanted her) and he wanted a roof over his head and a way of surviving without having to be accountable for it. Sad but true. She did get out of the relationship and started to pay better attention.

So check does this future partner really like to travel say, have they been abroad or wherever it is you like to go? Or are they just saying they might like to and don’t really know and if they do go abroad, do they want adventure or do they want to have their fish and chips or very British tea abroad? What do you want when you go abroad?

It’s quite a good idea not to live in one another’s pockets, and not to have that expectation that the other person wants you there all the time, or that you need to be with them all the time. So some of the things on your list, how important are they in respect of your future partner? Do you want someone who shares the same interests as you? For me I wasn’t particularly interested in someone having the same professional interests as me, as I didn’t want competitiveness or one-upmanship, I’m not interested in these games of “mine’s bigger than yours” . Also I’m used to the fact that not everyone speaks or reads fluent German and I don’t necessarily need that as a permanent part of my life, it has been in the past and it’s not that important to me as an everyday feature, I can read in German, watch DVDs and go to Germany with my partner to visit friends and relatives over there.

Check out what you want in a partner so for example - if you want a non-smoker and you have smoked in the past, compromising to be with smoker could mean a) you might start smoking again or b) you could be one of these dogmatic reformed smokers who makes their partner’s life hell. Neither of which is very good, I think you’ll agree. And if you’ve never smoked, the smoking could be an equal problem. Because no matter how much someone says they will give up something for you – it’s a) very difficult for them and b) very stressful for both of you if you then start to use phrases like “you promised me”, or “the fact that you don’t give up means you can’t possibly love me” – those are good ways to break a relationship. And please note even if you are good at “willpower” not everyone is, in fact most of us aren’t and our reasons for the patterns or habits we run, or have very deep seated and enforced changing of them for someone else is really hard.

On the other hand shared interests are very important for some relationships and are part of the “glue” that keeps things together and sometimes a good basis to start, but more on that later.

We are what we believe

2009-07-25T13:35:00.000+01:00

If you believe you are no good at meeting people, then he result is that your belief that you are no good at meeting people is reinforced. What happens is we behave in a way that meets up with our beliefs, and prove to ourselves we were right to have that belief in the first place.

If for example you believe that people will react unfavourably towards you, then you will give off unconscious signals to this effect and the response you will get will reaffirm this.

If you believe you are bad at sports, cooking, driving, writing letters (I met someone who thought because he “couldn’t write a letter the right way first time, he was useless at writing letters” (it’s always useful to check your letters for errors, typos, wrong information and perhaps leave it overnight)), you will look for examples to confirm this and dismiss any examples that prove the contrary.

Some people’s beliefs are so strong and become such a habit that other people get carried along with this. I once had a lodger who believed other people always acted unfairly towards her, and shouted at her and then ended up in a situation where I started to behave like this and shouted at her! All over a plastic bag.

Our brains recode every single event of our lives; this has been well documented since the 1950s. This includes verbal messages we hear around us even when we are not actively paying attention and they go straight to the unconscious mind. The same applies to those things we constantly repeat to ourselves – “You stupid fool”, “I know I’ll mess it up.”

Messages are given to us (and we give them to others - our children, our work colleagues, our partners) as a form of hypnosis, and if we or they hear them often enough they become true.

Eeek!

So when I was on my own and believed that guys weren’t interested in me, because I was independent (and I still am) and could look after myself perfectly well, I didn’t need a man, certainly not one who wanted to sponge off me and laze around all day watching TV, smoking cigarettes, was work-shy, no good at odd jobs, didn’t have his own car, didn’t like my friends, was jealous of the fact that I have friends (in some very odd places) – a man once asked me if I had any normal friends? I had to check out his criteria for normal – it was they liked a drink, well lots of drinks, they liked to get off their faces on drink and smoke a lot and be generally miserable and have “real jobs” (I have a friend who is a crane driver, but many of them are musicians (one of them is a carpenter as well), trainers, lawyers, a professor, store detective (not sure what was “real” according to that particular man).

Well guess what I got in my life? Ah yes and there’s another one, I didn’t want a man who was married, or in any kind of relationship (I value exclusivity). I got exactly what I was concentrating on, most of the time (well not always exactly, but fulfilling most of the above things I was thinking I didn’t want), because they were the things I actually concentrated on.

On my own - what do I do?

2009-07-19T12:06:00.000+01:00

I spent a large part of my life in some interesting relationships, not necessarily useful for me and perhaps not for the other person, but interesting. Do you know why? Because I spent a large part of my life concentrating on what I didn’t want - and that’s exactly what I got! Several times.

And whilst writing some emails to my friend Jaclyn who now lives abroad, and telling her about what I have discovered in my life, she asked? “Why don’t you write a book about how you got this great relationship you have now? After all you’ve got something worth more than any money can buy and you can share with other people how to do it too!

So, here it is, a transcript of the emails I sent and she asked some questions, but I wrote it as a book. It also gives you some tried and tested tips on how to get what you want, what you really, really want, perhaps I’ll tell you about some of things I did that didn’t work out and how – with hindsight, I could have done things differently.
Let’s perhaps first cover some things that you might think get in the way, or that might be getting in your way and you might think they’re not really getting in the way. Well just a bit, maybe?

You’ve not got the best figure? (This covers by the way too short, too tall, too fat etc.)
You’re too old?
You haven’t got ……………………………..?
You have children.
You have grandchildren.
You have a ………………..(insert pet)
You have a ……………………… or are ……………………

We could go on…………….

However, beware;
If you have bad breath, a liking for drink, spicy foods, fetishes, horror movies and other things that other people might find a problem - you just might either need to find someone who likes exactly the same things or take other action first J

Important is - you are happy with yourself, so you have good self esteem, well most of the time, we might aspire to be perfect – perfect figure, perfect at cooking, making love, playing football, or whatever or we might not, but it’s really useful if most of the time we can be happy with ourselves.

So my story is, latterly widowed mum of 2 grown up children, granny to 2 beautiful boys (hey they’re my grandsons ), like reading, like films, like jazz, like to cook and reckon I can do it pretty well, like to swim, like to make things (when I find the time), I speak a second language fluently, ride a motorbike occasionally, I know lots about losing weight, I know lots of things (not often useful to most people ) and most important I think, is that I like people and what makes them tick. Downsides, opinionated, I will say what I think (doh), and sometimes I’m starting to sound like my mother. According to some people I can’t sing, according to others I can, according to some people I might be all sorts of things. But that’s life.

Now I know I’m good at my job, in part because I get personal satisfaction from what I do, and I see other people benefiting from what I do and I hear what they say, and I get really good feelings when I read some of things people write about me and my work (not always – I’m human you know). I also know I’m good at my job because other people tell me, sometimes it’s the clients I work with, sometimes it’s my peers and assistants, sometimes someone tells me they’ve heard something good about me, and how what I did with them worked for them and sometimes it took them a while for that to work for them.

In that last paragraph I wrote about the fact that sometimes I know myself that something has been good –
Do you know yourself that something went well, or do you need someone or other people to tell you that something went well or show you in some way?
There’s no right or wrong but it is useful to know and check. If you’re always telling yourself you’re good at something, you might be wrong sometimes and also other people might regard you as being “full of yourself”, or “not interested in other people” or something else, so might it be useful to notice other people and ask their opinion. You know, ask a mate, phone a friend, or ask the audience. And hell that’s really useful if you want a relationship, to notice what other people’s opinions of you are, as we might need to see things from our new or prospective partner’s point of view, or hear what they are saying, and notice that they have feelings too!

and there'll be more;)