When Ignorance is not Bliss

Last night I had the strangest dream – prompted in part by me eating things I normally avoid and to a great extent by a comment I overheard whilst eating.

This last 10 days have for me been amazing, suddenly, after a period of several months of acute relationship agony, life otherwise is improving tremendously. Now this blog as I hope you know is about all relationships as Finding the Relationship you Deserve (the book) is about all relationships in all of life. My relationship agony has not been with beloved Jim, but with another blood relative in my family. This relationship agony has been caused by other people’s mind boggling relationships with themselves and others. If you follow one of my other blogs NLP Highland Words that Change Minds, you may recall that my last but one blog was in respect of the World Cup if you read that blog and you just might find it interesting, you will be aware that I and the blog comment on relationships, how they have changed in South Africa since ‘I were a lass’.

Well if South Africa has moved on, blow me Britain has not. I’ve lived in Scotland since 1998, until this year I have NEVER experienced racism, intolerance or ignorance on a scale of which this year I am becoming aware of all of these three things. None of this is directed at me personally.
Ignorance is a state of being uninformed, so dictionaries say. Avoid confusing ignorance with being unintelligent, as a person's level of intelligence and level of education or general awareness are not the same. The word "ignorant" is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware.

My formative years were in the 50s and 60s in a sleepy suburb of Nottingham, I grew up with the Church of England and I remember one song, sung at the summer ‘camp’ (we never went away, the camps were held at the local church) events ‘Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, be they yellow, black or white, they are precious in his sight’ – it’s probably politically incorrect nowadays). Anyway, today I avoid churches if I can, but that’s another story, the comment is just here to state that what I write here is from a human point of view. In West Bridgford in the 50s and 60s I went to school with Polish, children, Russian children, German children, Ukrainian children, Indian children, Jamaican children and lots of white English children. I cannot recall one incident of racism, racial hatred (apart from my sewing teacher’s horror when I allowed a Jamaican girl to try, and I mean try to braid my very blonde, very straight and very soft hair (particularly in comparison with her hair, into Jamaican braids, she tried so hard and it just would not happen, we were fascinated with one another’s hair because it was so different!).

I learned so many things about how other people ate, what was ‘right and wrong’ in their families and I learned to form relationships with anyone ‘be they yellow, black or white’ and I learned different is ok. I also learned, cos some kids picked on me as I was ‘fatty’, that other people don’t like difference. Curiously what I did not know until about 2004 was that my Dad (bless his 87 year old cotton socks was racist – he now has 2 beautiful mixed race grandsons and 2 grandchildren who are also mixed race – that’s not obvious by looking at them by the way – and my Dad had at some point to change his mind about different people. My Dad grew up in a different age, with different rules and he did travel the world as a sailor, but then of course, other people stayed put, in their own countries).

Anyway this year I have come across indirect physical and verbal attacks on a 6 year old, cos he’s the wrong colour, so he’s different and that has almost cost me a family relationship and it has certainly changed that relationship, for reasons I will avoid discussing here.

Yesterday evening; we, me and Jim were sat outside the Golf View Hotel in Nairn, where in spite of some changes in ownership over the last few years, the food is still excellent. The Golf View has panoramic views of the Moray Firth, we watched a tanker, moored in the Firth, a cruise ship leaving from Invergordon and a small boot that had possibly left Nairn harbour, the sun was shining, the seabirds crying, quite a lovely day.

To my left sat a group of people in their 30s and 40s (one said he would be 44 this year, oh born in 1966, now that’s an interesting year – read on) they were mostly Scottish (from around Glasgow, Ayr and an English couple who I presume live in Scotland) they (the group) had some teenage looking children with and a spaniel and they were sitting and drinking and talking and they were quite loud.
Now do you know that scenario in life when something is in your field of awareness you home in on conversations, or you suddenly become aware of something and suddenly ‘it’s everywhere’? Well, bear in mind this is Saturday 3rd July and Germany (the football team that is) have just thrashed (nominalisation for played extremely well – I watched the match) Argentina that afternoon 4 nil and the German team played exceedingly, probably the best match in the whole of this year’s World Cup so far .

Playing well in a team is about relationships, 1) with yourself – confidence and self-esteem, 2) with your teammates, trust and knowing where, when and what the others will do and 3) with you management team – so you all produce the best end result.

Anyway, suddenly yesterday evening outside the hotel, I overhear a young woman (late 30s) say ‘I think it’s disgusting, disgusting that when Germany were playing England people in the pub (somewhere in Scotland) where shouting for Germany to win’. This is interesting I think to myself, many Scots will want any team other than England to win, so I listened more closely and I then I held on tight to my chair …. She went on “do they not know we fought Germany in 2 world wars, it’s disgusting to want them to win when they are horrible people.” At this point in time on the other side of the glass to where she is sitting there are 2 German couples blissfully unaware as they enjoy, their good food, the Scottish hospitality, the great view, that there’s a Scot out there in 2010 with these views.

Now I maintained a good and useful state and did not let any of this ‘spoil my enjoyment, ruin my meal’, I refrained from ‘seeing red’, allowing ‘my ‘blood to boil’. I was amazed 2 months previously I sat in the Manchurian restaurant n Aberdeen and watched a woman, another Scot, on the mention by one of the men at the table that he had a German doctor, I watched her put 2 fingers above her top lip and give a Nazi salute sat at the table in the busy restaurant on a Sunday night (and she was sober).

I ask – is their relationship with themselves, so poor that they need to be racist that they need to ‘pick on others’ because they are different? Do they realise how world wars start? Do they realise that these 2 world wars were a long time ago? In Germany several years ago there was a poster something like this – do you realise? Your pizza is Italian, your kebab is Turkish………….. etc, Relationships are about tolerance, about recognising others are different, ok so I could say ‘it’s a free country she’s entitled to her opinion’ – those kind of opinions are the way in countries and people lose their freedom, how Mandela was incarcerated for years, why this World Cup is so important for world peace.

I’m sure I lost relatives in both world wars; I know my children will have lost relatives on both sides in both world wars. It’s 2010. Why still have a war in your head? Why do we need to bring baggage from the past (see page 30 of Finding the Relationship you Deserve) and what’s more it’s not even our baggage, into life today? My own mother wasn’t too happy about the Japanese as her brother had suffered in prisoner of war camps run by Japanese soldiers, she had a direct reason, she’s now grown older she’s more tolerant. We all have bad, destructive relationships at times; we all are at times in relationships in which we do things we later might think differently about. However the world will never be a pleasant place to live in if we persistently believe that because people are different from us, or were different from us that we should denigrate them, we should dislike, or hate them.

One of the NLP Operating Beliefs (Presuppositions about how it might be useful to think about life) states – Mind and Body are the same system – what affects one will affect the other – therefore if we think badly of others – guess what?

I enjoyed my evening and we went home and Jim watched Spain and Paraguay play and read a book, we enjoyed our relationship with one another and ourselves. And we like anyone, unless they directly do something to us or our families and then first we try and resolve the matter.

Be mine Valentine!

“As long as he needs me,” On my own, how can I live without you?”, “What do I do to make you love me?”,– oh it’s those love songs again. It’s that time of year. It’s commercial exploitation – well they have to make a living, and you can only be exploited if you let that happen see Response-ability.

Anyway Valentine’s Day – hearts and flowers and by gum don’t those flowers get to be expensive?


Valentine was in fact a holy priest in Rome, together with St. Marius and his family, Valentine assisted the martyrs who were persecuted by Claudius II. Valentine was arrested, and sent by the emperor to the prefect of Rome, who, found that Valentine wouldn’t renounce his faith and the lovely prefect commended him to be beaten with clubs, and afterwards, to be beheaded. He was executed on February 14, about the year 270.


There are lots of different stories about Valentine - so we’ll just have that one here. When people start celebrating St Valentines’ Day? Who sent the first Valentine? There is a rumour that he himself did that from prison before he was beheaded. It is rumoured that the Romans first started the celebrations and in Great Britain we first began celebrating around the 17th Century – so the shops haven’t just invented it!

Is this a time we need to be careful? Will we get upset when we don/t get a card? Will we feel left out? Unwanted? Unloved? Well it’s all optional you know.

For my personal opinion, so “My Model of the World” everyone deserves something nice on Valentines’ Day (and when I find out where I’ve mislaid the heart chocolates I bought for my course this weekend I’ll be much happier – I thought everyone deserves a little token).

But – remember people, and love is there 24x7, 365 or 366 days a year. A relationship is for life not just for Valentine’s Day. Someone told me a few weeks ago – “Actually I can’t come on your course because Day 2 (of an 18 day course) is on Valentine’s Day and my wife wouldn’t like it”. Err what does she do when he’s at work?

To be honest I’ve been for a Valentine’s meal twice in my life the first time we didn’t pay for it, because the hotel couldn’t cope with the numbers they had accepted for reservations and part of the meal was cold, and the 2nd time, well it was ok, but it was overpriced and over the top. And this year I’m working and my bidey-in is playing bowls, again;)

I invite you to think – what is all this blackmail we subject ourselves to? Are we any better off because someone bought us a card and gave us some expensive flowers. I have to admit, last year I was better off, well I felt better off. I was in a bad place 14 days away from a major op and little bit cheesed off with life so the Posy for Rosie in a big vase that I got from Jim was lovely. My guy is not a hearts and flowers kind of guy normally; he shows me he wants to be with me other ways.

How do the important people, so not just your partner, but also your children, your parents, your friends (this weekend just gone a participant on one of my course bought 4 copies of my book for 4 of her friends!) show you that they want to be with you, that they like you, that they love you? And vice versa?

How do they show us, tell us, make us feel “loved” or “wanted”, it’s a two way thing you know. How will you treat your partner?

Note : No-one is worth spending time with if they tell you “you would do that if you liked me”, “show me how much you love me and do ……..”, “you can’t possibly like me/love me because ……………” anything like that is blackmail and manipulation. People do things for other people because they want to, of their own free will, because they like the other person.

Together we (me and Jim) do things we like – such as eating out by the sea on a warm and sunny evening, and going up to the top of a hill to watch the sun set and dawn break at midsummer. Who needs a fluffy toy? You can’t change someone else, but you can change the way you react. Knights in armour on shining white horses, or pretty damsels, who want to do your every bidding, are in short supply, especially in the 21st Century! And “a dream” or “a dream man or woman” will always be just that – a dream. We can allow our dreams to become reality, by noticing that the guy or gal in front of you has wonderful qualities. Have you seen the film Shrek?

And there are other people around who send me cards and thank yous, my grandsons, clients, and I can make collages myself, and buy me little things I like. So the better I understand myself and what I think I would like, the better I am able to understand my partner and I can therefore create a more satisfying and pleasurable relationship.

Now sometimes I may have to repeat myself, several times. Just how many times? You know we have patterns, run patterns in the way we are convinced of things. Sometimes we say that this is nagging, we have to nag someone – but do we?

What happens if we match the other person’s body posture and use a tone of voice that is “normal”- so we leave out the whining, complaining, commanding, demanding, whatever it is that “turns the other person off” and we state our case, taking into account some of the following?

So does your partner need to “see something, hear something, do something or read something” in order for it to “sink in”. I have a couple of friends when I want to get my point across to them, I need to write to them, one knows it works for him and he told me so several years ago and asked me to write to him so he could understand something better, and the other one, asked me “why do you write to me, when you’re really annoyed? You know I have to take you seriously.” Well what do you say to that?

And, or – does your partner need a number of examples, so do you need to present (so say it, write it down, show them or show by doing) them with the information, or will they react when presented with partial information, or are they never completely convinced, they need to re-assess the information each time (yes there are people like that, and it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are), or does the information need to remain constant for some period of time? Now it may be that they react differently for different pieces of information, in different situations, or maybe that they react in the same way for everything. You only need to work it out if you are having problems, honestly. Only if something isn’t working, do something else instead.

It’s really worth giving all of this thought, especially when all the other bits of your relationship add up so why throw it all away because you don’t bring me flowers as the song says?

Mm we can do really effective, but not really useful “programming” of our brains with that stuff – notice the words of a love song and enjoy them as a song, but not as a creed by which I or you live.

Go out and buy yourself something for Valentine’s Day. Why not? Whatever you do enjoy the day. Smiling at others is often good. Smiling, thinking happy, being happy brings amazing results. Try it.

Mr or Mrs Right Now!

I read an article yesterday advocating something along the lines of “get married – right now” – wait no longer for Mr or Mrs Right – mm well, please, please make sure the person you marry or live with is a friend with whom you have a few things in common. This is particularly pertinent right now as 2 of my female acquaintances have horrendous problems, problems which have been going on for years - mainly because they got married "because they thought they should, they were afraid of being left on the shelf, they were afraid of being left alone" or some such. Yhis is impacting on their friends, families, their mental health, in one case their ability to work and function as a member of society!


A good friend is someone you can think aloud in front of, a good friend is there to pick up the pieces and a good friend will always welcome you back, a really good friend will also put their foot down and say I don’t like that (whatever it is you might be saying or doing - like your latest fad or partner) but you know it’s okay I still value you as a friend. Whether that friend is male or female and in the relationship you truly deserve the most important friends are My oldest friendship goes back to age 11 when I started Grammar school, she phones me when she needs to talk and I know if I need her she will be there for me, she also came to my second wedding (see the end of this book if you need to) and she came to my late husband's funeral, she just said “I’d like to be there.” My other very good friend I’ve known since I was 16, we were pen friends at school, she’s in a different country, if I need her she is there, when I go to visit them I usually get taken along to “sort something out”, I also get taken to school (she’s a head teacher) – we listen to one another’s worries, and we go to the Opera, I don’t that in the UK, well rarely.

Friends are important, it’s important they are non-judgemental (after all we are only judging from what we believe to be true, it might or might not be true for us, but it certainly ain’t true for the other person). Friendship is kind of like the most precious balloon you ever had as a child, let it fly and bounce on the wind at the end of a string and if you pull it close, treat it with care, because if you squeeze too hard it will burst into pieces and you can’t, however hard you try put a balloon together again. You will need your friends on the way to your relationship, you will need them in your relationship, and you will need them after your relationship, nothing is so good it lasts eternally – do you know these lyrics?:

“Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
No-one in your life is with you constantly
No-one is completely on your side”

They are from “I know him so well” from the musical Chess (and I have permission from Sir Tim Rice to use the lyrics) and there are more lyrics than this and I’ve taken these out of context, but for a reason. At some point your partner or you may leave the relationship. If we marry, we marry “till death do us part” and that I think is possibly the “nicest” (said with great care here) way for a relationship to end. For some people relationships will end earlier than we would like them to. This can be due to death which happens at an untimely stage (I don’t really think there’s right time to die – it hurts the people who are left at any age). For some people it will be someone else’s death that ends the relationship, the death of a child, another loved one, sometimes one partner becomes so ill they are no longer the person you met and partners make (for me) interesting choices about how to deal with this situation. Some people are just not the right people at the time, and we have to acknowledge that and move on.

With a lot of work, and it takes a lot of work to sustain any relationship, you will keep the relationship and that includes your friends. This year a young woman on one of my courses whose marriage was a few months away set her “Life Purpose” and in that she stated something along the lines that her husband to be would have to be there for her to fulfill her life purpose. The guy on the course working with her came to me and asked “is that okay, I thought it’s a good idea to have in this only things we can have on control over (or we reasonably believe we can) and not to rely on other people”. Yes he was right, so I took Sarah (that’s not her name) on one side, as she was already starting to get upset at the thought that her future husband might die. Now I am in the position (if you haven’t been to the end of the book you might want to peek now or just believe me) to say, hey people die. The love of your life can die (or just walk out) and you might be stood there saying (shaking like a jelly and falling apart) I can’t go on, and if your life purpose is that you can’t continue to live without that special person, you will be stuck, very stuck.

So a) nurture your friends, notice they are not more important than but just as important as your relationship and b) make sure your partner is a friend!